By Barb Elgin, LCSW

I’m deeply honored and happy to announce that Janice Langbehn, one of the GLBT community’s biggest ’sheroes’ will appear on my podcast

GLBT Talk with Barb and Donna

on Tuesday evening 10/27/09 at 6:30p ET.

Janice’s story has been in the national spotlight recently as well as much of the last two or so years since her life took a dramatic turn.

In 2007 Janice’s partner of 18 years, Lisa Pond, died suddenly and unexpectedly due to a brain aneurysm, while they were getting ready to enjoy a family vacation together.  Janice and Lisa probably treasured the vision of that vacation more than most; over the years they’d been amazing foster parents of over 25 children!

As if Lisa’s death wasn’t painful enough, the way Janice was treated in the hospital during Lisa’s final hours was unthinkable.  I can promise you the details will anger you.

And, recently, Janice was treated wrongly again when she learned her lawsuit against the Florida hospital that mistreated her was thrown out of court. We are amazed by Janice and we can’t wait to talk to her to learn more about her life today, her loving family and to find out what’s next for her.

Donna and I are humbled that Janice has chosen to share with us personal information about her life and the details of her own tragedy.  I am certain that Janice’s continuing sacrifice is part of the fabric of gradually changing hearts and minds and leading society closer to full rights and equality for gay and lesbian couples.

Please come to the live show, meet Janice, ask her questions and give her support. We’re giving this show a full hour to be sure we have enough time.  If you are already a podcast subscriber, look for attendance details to arrive in your email inbox soon.  If you aren’t yet a podcast subscriber, click here to sign up.  It’s free!

Barb Elgin, MSW, LCSW, Certified Singles Coach, is Coach Sappho: America’s Favorite Lesbian Love Coach and Matchmaker.  Are YOU ready for love? Ready to find out?  Take Coach Sappho’s FREE Love Quiz.

© Copyright 2009, Barb Elgin.  All Rights Reserved.  Feel free to forward this article as long as attribution remains intact.

Disclaimer: The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.

Could you be enjoying a more luscious lesbian love life?

Ohhh…la la!  I mean it.  If you are single and you can’t seem to ‘get it together’ to reach your dream of being ’settled in’ with a woman you can build an exciting future with, what are you waiting for?  I speak to too many single lesbians who complain of this fact.

Eternally single lesbians

I point out to the 30-something single lesbians I talk to that they may think they have ‘plenty of time’.  However, I then tell them that I talk to many 40 and 50-something single women who were amazed how fast time had gone.

There are one too many 40 or 50-something women who say they always ‘thought’ by now they’d be in the relationship of their dreams, but they are still single and they don’t understand why.  Or, they’ve had relationships but they were short-lived or unsatisfying.

Could it be many single women are working too hard and not playing enough? Could it be they have shame about celebrating their sexuality by having an amazing relationship with another woman?  Could it be they are telling themselves it just must not be ‘in the cards’ for them?

Most single lesbians are probably telling themselves some or all of these things and more.  Many express their inner insecurity by being cynical or by blaming the universe.  That’s what I observe…

Whatever has tripped you up, you can get over it.  I truly believe all of us are born ready to be loving (and be loved).  That’s a start.  Yes, it takes more than that, and you can learn those secrets too!  I promise…you may not always feel crazy about doing what you need to do to have a luscious lesbian love life, but you can learn what will work and do more of it.

If you are successful in your work, great.  Now take that success and use it to get some balance in your life.  Uncover the secrets to having a love life… 

Seriously…all of those lesbian event companies and activity organizations will love me when I say this: there are plenty of you single ladies out there that need to inject more socializing into your week.

Betcha didn’t know that it’s the ladies who go out at least two times a week who are most likely to be in a relationship in one year.  It’s true, according to one recent study of single women.

Long-Suffering Coupled Lesbians

In the old days they called her the ‘long suffering’ wife.  Is that you?  If you are in a relationship but you aren’t happy most of the time, and you are accepting that state of affairs, I would say you have put your love life ‘on hold’ too.

Only you can decide this and do something about it.  Yes, I know it can be scary to admit things aren’t so hot or copacetic these days.  But, don’t just assume your partner will take it personal.  Maybe she’s feeling the same way and afraid to talk about it like you are.

The bottom line for couples is that you are so fortunate to have what you have.  Perhaps part of your unhappiness stems from taking that fact for granted? No, you say, you do all you can to make things great and your partner won’t play along.

Well the good news is that just because it feels that way, that doesn’t make it so.  If you tend to blame your partner for the state of your relationship or your feelings about your relationship, you’ve gotten caught up in a rut.

Maybe it’s time to take a whole new path…the path of luscious lesbian living and loving.  Let’s start with your perspective.  The glasses through which you see reality.  Have they gotten a bit mud-clogged?

Perhaps it’s time to ‘clean off’ those glasses.  Did you know that in relationships where partners evaluate their partner and their relationship through rose-hued glasses, that is, where they tend to give their partner some ’slack’, the happier they are?  Makes sense doesn’t it?

When it comes to luscious lesbian loving, each partner takes responsibility for what she can control in any situation.  Not more, not less, but just what it is.  If my partner has a negative response to something I’ve said or done, even if I wouldn’t change what I did or said, I’d at least empathize with their feelings about it.  That in itself may be a simple start to something more yummy…try it…

No you can’t change your partner.  Nor should you try to as that will only irritate your partner.  But, you can change how you are responding to your partner.  You don’t have to just ‘react’ to her.

Reacting may seem more ‘honest’ to some, however, I would argue that successful couples seek their ‘best’ honesty in any situation, not whatever wants to spill out of one’s mouth.  Any old honesty is not necessarily the best policy…hehehe….

I know myself, I have to be careful not to be too ‘vocal’ when I am stressed or tired.  It is then I am most thoughtless.  How about you?

I’ll even go so far to say, why not give yourself that space?  How often do we forget to give ourselves such empathy?  Try it out and see if that wonderful lusciousness doesn’t spread to your relationships with others…

Give yourself a luscious moment, just for you, today, okay?  See you soon!

Barb Elgin, MSW, LCSW, Certified Singles Coach, is Coach Sappho: America’s Favorite Lesbian Love Coach and Matchmaker.  Looking for a fun, easy and inexpensive way to get more of what YOU want when it comes to love?  Be sure to join Barb as she launches Coach Sappho’s new book club ‘Let’s Talk About Love’, which begins 10/14/09.

© Copyright 2009, Barb Elgin.  All Rights Reserved.  Feel free to forward this article as long as attribution remains intact.

Disclaimer: The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.

In Miami, Florida, a new policy will soon be implemented of no cash fares.  Instead, passengers will load funds onto special debit cards.  The cards will be “contact less”, meaning the rider merely taps the card against a terminal and fare is paid and deducted from their card balance.  Miami operates an extensive public transit system over one of the largest counties in the United States, and their system includes not only hundreds of buses but the elevated Metrorail train and downtown driverless elevated People Mover system.  The cost to count and process the vast daily load of coins and paper dollar bills has become prohibitive.  Passengers may still purchase weekly or monthly unlimited-ride passes as well.

These are only two examples of a growing and worldwide trend.  Handling cash requires extra security and background checks on employees and there is always the risk of robbery of the store or perhaps while making late-night bank drops.  Banks usually charge commercial customers to obtain rolls of coins and bills needed to stock cash registers and make change.

The cash register itself is now more and more replaced by a point of sale system (POS) that has the capability to scan bar coded merchandise and swipe plastic payment cards including credit, debit, gift and loyalty cards and get instant approval through a high-speed Internet connection.  The steel “cash” drawer below is becoming almost an afterthought and more often a storage drawer for signed customer receipts.

The Internal Revenue Service always more closely scrutinizes the tax returns and accounting records of traditional “all cash” businesses which have often been found to be hiding income or involved in illicit money-laundering schemes.  Accounting is simplified when all payments are processed electronically and direct-deposited into the business checking account, and those banking records easily integrated into any standard accounting software program.

And if cash is dying or dead, paper checks are definitely terminal.  Those businesses that do still accept checks from their customers almost always now utilize a process of check verification that compares the bank account number and customer drivers license to a national bad check database and then approves and electronically processes the transaction as an ACH debit out of the customer’s checking account that is direct-deposited into the merchant’s own business checking account.  The paper check is then handed back to the customer as a receipt.  No need for a daily trip to the bank to deposit checks!  This process of electronic check conversion is secure and has eliminated the risk of bad checks but is still more time-consuming than accepting the customer’s check card, and for this reason many businesses no longer accept checks at all.  Even business checking account customers are usually provided by their bank with a debit card for making purchases.  In addition, monthly invoices are often encouraged to be handled as automatic debits from the customer’s account, or paid via their bank’s online bill pay system.

For both consumers and businesses alike, the new federal Checks 21 regulation has made life easier.  A paper check may be scanned in and emailed or transmitted to their bank and deposited with Remote Deposit.  The new regulation states that such an electronic image of a check is just as valid as the presentation of the original check.  Bank of America’s ATM system now directly scans in deposited checks, no envelope is used, and the deposit instantly credited.

We are in the twenty-first century and truly entering a cashless world.  A business that is not utilizing these and other forthcoming electronic payment systems is wasting time and money and will find themselves increasing inefficient and competitively disadvantaged.

Your go-to expert and free consultant for electronic payments processing is your account executive with your merchants services provider.  They are familiar with all of the above strategies and can set up your accounts and provide all necessary hardware and software.

Gift Card & Loyalty Card Programs

However, after reading an excellent article by Bonnie Osborn in the September 2009 issue of Jane and Jane Magazine entitled, ‘Feeling the Pinch: Health care inequities result in financial penalties for lesbian couples’, I was reminded that health ‘care’ is only one problem lesbians face in our current health care system.

Did you know lesbian couples are also penalized economically by the way our current health care system is set up?  And that this penalizing is repeated and compounded?

For example, even though two of my sisters stay at home and don’t work, they have health care through their husband’s employers.  And, even though another sister works, her husband stays home and receives full ’spouse’ benefits (including health care, life insurance, etc.).  And, I’m not even talking about all the children they have – eight between the three of them – who are covered on these various health care plans as well.

I, on the other hand, could not put my partner on my health insurance (back when I had a partner).  And, my partners were never able to put me on their plans.  Meaning:  if at some point one of us had become unemployed and, heaven forbid, become ill, what would we do?

It becomes even more complicated when we talk about being laid off.  Even if I’d at some point had the ability to add my partner to my benefits, my partner said she would have been afraid to do so.  After all, if I later changed jobs, who knows if that new employer would have domestic partner coverage?  Given the fact insurance coverage isn’t assured/universal, she would’ve had to go through another period of underwriting and possible exclusion.  I know that’s never even a thought for straight couples.

Yes, in some places, and with some large companies, same sex partners do have access to partner benefits.  But, over all, only a minority of lesbians in America have such access.

And, to add insult, the federal government taxes partner benefits as ‘taxable income’!  Wow -  even when we have access, we pay a price straight couples don’t: when a same sex partner is on her partner’s insurance she gets to, you guessed it: pay taxes on having the honor of such a benefit!

And, guess what?  The employer is penalized too.  So, good luck getting many employers to want to cover same sexed partners on their insurance plans!

Lesbians have the highest uninsured rate

Worse yet, for those who don’t have the honor of paying these additional taxes, many of these coupled lesbians remain uninsured, because they can’t afford their own insurance!  Can you imagine the spouse of a straight person going through this state of affairs?

According to Osborn, a recent survey found that lesbians as a group had more uninsured than gay men and heterosexuals.  In fact lesbians were almost twice as likely to be uninsured as heterosexuals.

Is it any surprise then, that lesbians, as a group, are consistently poorer than gay men and heterosexuals, especially as they grow older?

Here’s another common example of how the current system hurts lesbians financially: if your partner takes ill and needs your help, what do you do?  Here’s one extreme:  military personnel often wouldn’t even think of taking off to help a partner because of the attention it might put on them.  They’d fear a court martial (it happens…often, and not just on The L Word).

Often then, for these individuals, benefits earned are never used.  Perhaps then the couple has to pay for home health care, all out of their own pocket (if they have the resources to do so).

More common is the scenario where a partner has to use vacation time to stay home and help a same sexed partner, whereas a straight partner would be able to use sick time instead.  This matters for those whose retirement benefits depend on accrued vacation time.

Or, what happens when a partner doesn’t have any sick or vacation time to use?  Will her employer allow her to take ‘leave without pay’?  Who can even afford to do that in today’s economy?

Osborn notes that these sorts of ‘institutionalized inequities’…

“Add up to hundreds and even thousands of dollars of financial penalties each year”.

Yikes!  No wonder so many of us can never get ahead.  Many of us are already being ‘under paid’ because we are women.

Why aren’t lesbians more upset about this state of affairs? Perhaps because we don’t have any energy left, after we work all the extra hours and jobs we need, to pay off these debts!

And, of course, worries about whether a doctor will provide you inferior care (because he or she doesn’t like gays or doesn’t know you are gay), and economic inequities are far from the only disparities lesbians face in today’s health care system.

Worries about whether all the legal papers we pay to draw up to protect our wishes in times of emergencies still exist.  There are many instances of couples having their advance directives ignored.  Tragic examples include the Lisa Pond story.

Here again, we lose financially.  Setting up living wills and power of attorney documents correctly can cost hundreds, sometimes thousands of dollars.  By the way, when was the last time a hospital asked a straight spouse to produce paper work to prove ‘next of kin’?

And in a cruel irony, even the two democratic presidents we’ve had in the past 20-30 years who are pro-gay have (or are) hurting us when it comes to easing these burdens:

• President Clinton’s signing of the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) in the 1990’s makes it illegal for the federal government to recognize legal gay relationships and allows states to deny recognition as well.  In fact, according to Osborn, “recently same sex partners of laid off workers weren’t able to receive payments to help pay for COBRA health insurance that the partners of heterosexual partners received, because of DOMA.”
• President Obama has relegated DOMA to the bottom of his priority list and, when the issue has come up, has given a mixed message at best (while he has said he wants to repeal DOMA, recently, when the issue came up in a court case, his administration defended it).

In my (and Osborn’s) opinion, another of the many good reasons to support the House of Representative’s HR 3200 ‘America’s Affordable Health Choices Act’ is that it does redress a couple of the systematic problems plaguing lesbians in the current system:  HR 3200 would set up a system to collect data on gays and lesbians (which would then prove the disparities and need for other reforms) and it would also stop the taxation of same sex partner health benefits.

Be sure you check out Osborn’s article.  It should get you good and mad and speaking up to your congress person/persons.

BE well,

Barb Elgin, MSW, LCSW, Certified Singles Coach, is Coach Sappho: America’s Favorite Lesbian Love Coach and Matchmaker.  Be sure to stop by www.coachsappho.com, pick up your FREE gifts as well as to learn about our exciting new singles club for lesbians and our community for lesbian couples.

Does your business serve lesbians? If so, and you want to spread the word, join Lez Do Biz! a free, online network for businesses who serve lesbian, bisexual and transgender women.

© Copyright 2009, Barb Elgin.  All Rights Reserved.  Feel free to forward this article as long as attribution remains intact.

Disclaimer: The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.

Your presence is often the best present.
- Quote on a piece of Dove chocolate I ate today

Now that we are past Labor Day and, in fact, living the day of 9/9/09, I just have to ask you…

Will you take time today, with all the hustle ‘n bustle (hehehe – I know silly ol’ saying), to enjoy the present? Yes it sounds so trite, however, I am just reminding you that you always have a choice to slow down and savor whatever it is you are doing, anytime YOU choose today.

When you do, notice what you ‘love’ about that moment.  And, make note of it.  Are you enjoying as many ‘presents’ as you can?  Are you enjoying what you are doing and, choosing to do more of what you enjoy?

I’m sitting here looking at a link an activist sent me this morning about one of those Christian ‘anti-gay’ movies that is making the rounds.  One of those ’so-called well intentioned, but mean-spirited campaigns that spread misinformation and hate’?  I thought about blogging on it and then, I thought, ‘You know what.  I’m not going to give it any mind.’

You might say, ‘Well Barb, that’s cold.’  Maybe it is.  But, I get tired sometimes, of fighting the wars.  Call me a (young) baby boomer hippie, but I’d rather ‘make love’. (Does Dove = Love???)  

See, I DO believe that what we focus on grows.  Even that yucky stuff.  So, often, when I decide what to share with readers (if it’s wise to share anything at all!), I am careful not to inject more negativity into their lives, unless I think the benefit outweighs the risks.  Many of us carry around enough fear, anger and other negative feelings already, don’t we?  Most of us already focus way too much on the negative, wouldn’t you agree?

I SO appreciate those individuals, like this activist, who have committed to fighting the wars.  Take, for example, the movement for marriage equality.  We need more to jump in and help out.  In fact, many are too apathetic.

But you can choose which part of the marriage equality ‘fight’ to put your energies into.  In today’s internet-connected world there is no shortage of ways you can get involved.  Seek and ye shall find.

Or, here is a simpler way: just be your ‘real’ self in your world.  If you are part of a gay or lesbian couple, don’t hide it.  If you are single, let family and friends know that and let them know you would like them to help you find compatible women to date.  Yes!  Change begins at home. Present yourself (ha!  there’s that word again!) at family and friend events just like any other couple.  You don’t have to ‘come out’ to anyone; just BE out.

In the straight world, word of mouth is still the #1 way people find their future spouse or life partner.  Why shouldn’t you have the advantage of having those who ‘know you well’ search for you?

If you aren’t ready to be this open and honest with family, be more open with others in the gay community about your relationship or single status.  More gay and lesbian couples need to support those gay couples organizations that exist and/or march in a pride parade, like those couples did at St. Pete Pride this year, carrying signs proudly displaying how long they’d been together.

And, perhaps single lesbians need support more than anyone.  Single lesbians are a minority in our community and, they often feel ‘left out’ and alone.   That’s one of the major reasons I formed the online community called Lez Rendezvous, which is a healthy, supportive social club for single lesbians, that blends fun, education and support.

Here’s the secret of ‘Lez Rez’s’ success – women who value deeply satisfying, lasting relationships are attracted to this community – so, if you share that value, what a great place to meet your soul mate! 

If you are thinking that finding spiritual support would help you and/or your relationship (and often, it can), find a gay or gay-friendly spiritual community you can attend that values finding, growing and nurturing gay and lesbian relationships.  Or, if you are the member of a church, speak up if they don’t have specific support for lesbian singles or lesbian couples.  Singles particularly, are often overlooked.

The options are endless.  For example, couples can join a social and educational community such as Lez Be Together, where the focus is connecting lesbian couples who share the value of deeply satisfying, lasting relationships.

So, again – I’ve chosen, consciously, to ignore the junky ‘anti-me’ stuff floating around out there.  Just because it’s there, that doesn’t mean I have to pay attention to it.  Garbage in, garbage out.  Be forewarned: if you choose to watch or read anti-gay materials, be prepared to be upset.  I used to give this sort of ‘trash’ too much of my attention, mostly because I was trying to understand the mind of those who judge me without even knowing me.

I know words like garbage and trash evoke strong, negative feelings and images.  I think it’s time we think of the anti-gay messages we hear with such strong, visceral, negativity.  This is one time when I think negativity is good.   The issue of GLBT equality is not one where we need to ‘negotiate’ some compromise.  My life and my equal rights (you know, not special rights, but the normal ones straight individuals take for granted) are NOT negotiable.

So, now you know why I no longer choose to fill my mind with that sort of clutter.  I’m too busy filling my ‘presents’ with living authentically and being positive.  I’m too busy living a good life being myself and changing hearts and minds that way.  Believe me it’s way easier.

We all have a part.  When you need a break from being the warrior, try being the lover for awhile.  And, if you haven’t fought yet, try that for awhile.  It’s all good…

Just remember you need to find your ‘center’ or balance, meaning, a well-tuned guitar is ’strung just right’, so that it can make beautiful music.  Strung too tight, strings break, and not strung tight enough you can’t play your song either.

For example, in today’s world and the way I’m playing in it, I get strung too tight sometimes.  My problem is not ‘too little stress’ (which IS a problem by the way), it’s too much.  Being overly engaged in life is not all bad: after all, if individuals don’t passionately engage in life, expressing their gifts, we’d have a much less interesting world, wouldn’t we?

However, again, it’s the ‘balance’ that’s key, particularly in today’s business world and, most definitely in personal relating:  I know when I slow down and calm myself, I am more pleasing to myself and, I think most would agree my presence is more of a present!

How about you?

One last note: Donna Tara Lee and I just recorded our second ‘GLBT Talk with Barb and Donna’ show last night.  If you’d like your free copy, be sure to sign up for Coach Sappho’s podcast.

Donna and I are having a blast.  In fact, we’ve decided to extend the show 15 more minutes, as we find we have too much to share to limit the show to 30 minutes.  Our next show is September 22nd.  Hope to see you there – listeners can listen on the web, call in or chat as well during the live show, which runs from 6:30p-7:15p ET.  Later on, podcast subscribers can pick up recorded copies of all our shows.

Have a wonderful rest of the week,

Barb Elgin, MSW, LCSW, Certified Singles Coach, is Coach Sappho: America’s Favorite Lesbian Love Coach and Matchmaker.  Be sure to stop by www.coachsappho.com, pick up your FREE gifts as well as to learn about our exciting new singles club for lesbians and our community for lesbian couples.

Does your business serve lesbians? If so, and you want to spread the word, join Lez Do Biz! a free, online network for businesses who serve lesbian, bisexual and transgender women.

© Copyright 2009, Barb Elgin.  All Rights Reserved.  Feel free to forward this article as long as attribution remains intact.

Disclaimer: The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.

When it comes to today’s world, and especially the ‘internet world’, all of us are awash in a sea of information, aren’t we?  The same is definitely true when it comes to online dating and matchmaking.  And, as in all things in this life, there are some pros and cons to this state of affairs.

On the positive side, I look at today’s online environment for singles as a banquet or feast.  In addition to the ability to reach out and search practically anywhere in the world to find other women, the addition of testing to online search sites gives us some really cool ’systems’ and ‘theories’, if you will, that we can dive into, learn, take their tests and determine things like ‘your type’ and ‘those who might be attracted to or, complementary to, you’.

Then – on the negative or, ‘realistically optimistic’ side, or devil’s advocate position – think of the feeling you get when you’ve eaten (or drank) too much!  I don’t know about you, but its’ easy to become ‘overwhelmed’ by all of the ‘newfangled’ theories and methods available about love and dating on the internet today.

The good news is that there is significant power and resources being put behind the ‘problem’ of ‘finding a date, soul mate or life partner’.  There are several big time corporations now organized and powerful enough to do large scale research and development, beyond what your typical university or professor can do, and, for the most part, the results (and benefits to you) are worth considering.

One example of a ‘cutting edge’, research-based ‘compatibility’ system added on to your basic online dating is the Chemistry.com system.  I might be somewhat positively-biased on this one because I know Helen Fisher, the anthropologist who created the heart of their ‘personality typing’ and ‘matching’ system.

Helen’s system is based on her love: evolution and biology.  Her system attempts to define all of us as having a dominant ‘temperament’ based on four brain chemicals: testosterone, estrogen, dopamine and serotonin.  Sound similar to any other ‘personality typing’ systems you know?  Those of you who are into psychological testing might say: Myers-Briggs or the Enneagram.

I don’t know if Helen’s system is any more ’scientific’ than the Myers-Briggs, or if that even matters, anyway.  Has Fisher actually tested the brains of her subjects?  I doubt it.  I don’t even know if this sort of testing is even possible at this point.

It seems that these typing systems are intriguing, but, they have their critics.  I read an industry blog pretty regularly where a diverse group of business folk and researchers fight this out.  The social worker in me asks,

• What about the impact of social and psychological factors?
• What about those of us who don’t fall so strongly into one of the four categories?

From what I can see (from my corner of the universe – I am not, for example, a researcher), the state of the industry on this thing is that we may know, like we do with Helen’s system, who we are initially or naturally attracted to, but we still don’t really understand much about what separates those couples who do stay together over time from those who don’t.  Well, that’s not entirely untrue, but that’s a subject for another post.

It’s like the thing about finding a gay gene:  most likely there isn’t one gene, but a combination or interaction of many genes and, frankly, I hope they never find that exact combination out!

Now, what is really cool and undisputed about Helen’s work is the number of people she has access to study.  Helen says she has been able to study the responses of at least 4 million men and women, to date.  That is huge.  I’ve been communicating with Helen over the years and advocating for her to focus in on the lesbian community a bit more and, I emailed her earlier today to see if she is getting any further with that project.  (Of course I’ll let you know what I find out!)

So, Barb, you say, what does all of this mean for me?  Why should I care?  And, how do I use today’s online dating tools to my advantage?

To help you make greater sense of this ‘big ball o’ love’, I’ve come up with some simple tips you can follow, to help you use today’s online dating resources to your advantage.

TIP #1: Get clear what you are looking for before you look.

When a client says to me, ‘which dating site do I use or which one is best?’, I have to answer that first with a question: What is your vision for the ‘romantic relationship’ area of YOUR life? Your vision is very important, in terms of deciding what I would advise you do in terms of dating, partner searching, etc.

My bias is that lesbian women benefit in many ways when they make the conscious decision to value a deeply satisfying and lasting relationship as a centerpiece or, foundational element, of their life.  So my passion is helping the lesbian woman who is ready to become the kind of woman who does this well and help her find a woman she can build a deeply satisfying, lasting relationship with in this lifetime.  I believe it makes the most sense to focus most on becoming capable of long term love and finding a woman who is likewise capable of building a deeply satisfying, lasting relationship with you, in this lifetime.

Do you see the difference? I take this approach with my clients because I believe that creating a great love life for a lifetime is about so much more than who you are most naturally attracted to in a ‘chemical’ sense or ’static’ sense.  That’s because no one fits perfectly into a box and people change, over time.

Also important in the mix is the issue of envisioning the type of relationship (not just person) you want to create with another woman.

Looking at these other very important aspects, I think, round out the limitations of systems that test and type and put you into a box.  What I mean by ‘putting yourself’ (or a potential match) into a box is limiting yourself too much, or, relying too heavily on these types of assessments and tests.

Systems like Chemisty.com are incredibly useful and important, just don’t make them the only means of assessing, experimenting and observing you do.  For example, while these systems may help you save time and really focus in on women you would really be interested in dating, you still need to date each person you are attracted to, to determine if this is someone you want to build your life around.

So – to answer the question, ‘Which dating site is best for me?’, I would say there is no, as of yet, one ‘perfect’ method of finding your ‘perfect match’ (even if there is an online dating company named that).  So, don’t worry, chances are you aren’t ‘missing anything’!

While Helen Fisher may love the method she’s created, and many others love it too, Helen is smart enough to know that even her method has limitations.  The worst thing anyone can do is forget the ’spirit of the law’ or hit someone over the head with one of these methods.  Sorry to disappoint, but that’s important to remember!

TIP #2: Like investing in the stock market, your best bet is to diversify.  Use more than one resource – on and offline – when it comes to dating, up to the point of your feeling overwhelmed.

I suggest to all of my clients that, when it comes to finding compatible women to date, that they ‘cast the widest net’ possible, with the caveat – until you find it overwhelming.

Casting a wide net also includes using OTHER methods of meeting women, such as…

• telling your friends and family you want their help
• attending social events highly aligned with who you are and what you want
• using lower tech, higher touch services from a resource such as Coach Sappho (where I teach you how to take care of yourself and how to date in ways that result in you choosing a partner you CAN build an amazing future with)

So what’s my bottom line to date, on using online dating tools to your advantage in Attracting Mz. Right:

• Most importantly, have fun, no matter which tools and resources you choose!
• Try out different tools and ideas and approach each with a spirit of experimentation.  For example, why not take the next six months and date one woman each (either consecutively or, perhaps better, concurrently) from a variety of self-selected and ’selected for you’ resources, such as Lez Rendezvous, Chemistry.com, an introduction from friends or family who know you well and one woman you met at an event or activity that is highly aligned with your values.
• While you date these women, be clear up front if you are ‘dating non-exclusively now with the intention of finding a life partner in the near future’.  Most of us don’t take enough time to really ‘play the field’.  Now you are free to do so, if you so dare!  HINT:  date coaching can help!
• When it comes to the information these various online matchmaking and dating sites spit out on you and the women you date, remember, be careful about relying solely on this information.  You’ve still got to ‘date’!  Remember?  One of the processes I’m very wary of in today’s information saturated culture is becoming influenced too much or controlled by what we read.  When we take something that may not even be true for us to heart, we may stop being free to take the actions we could take ‘because this is the way I am’ or ‘because it’s hopeless’.
• Don’t overwhelm yourself by engaging in more systems than you can enjoy.  Everyone is different – some people may have time and energy to sign up for – and use – 5 of these types of systems whereas others should  instead focus on one or two.  I think it’s a waste to sign up for systems you end up not using or you barely use.  It’s better to get the most use you can out of one or two systems rather than spread yourself too thin and not achieve the best results you can from any one of them.

I think you’ll agree this is a fascinating subject and something I will probably spend more time blogging about!

Barb Elgin, MSW, LCSW, Certified Singles Coach, is Coach Sappho: America’s Favorite Lesbian Love Coach and Matchmaker.  Be sure to stop by www.coachsappho.com, pick up your FREE gifts as well as to learn about our exciting new singles club for lesbians and our community for lesbian couples.

© Copyright 2009, Barb Elgin.  All Rights Reserved.  Feel free to forward this article as long as attribution remains intact.

Disclaimer: The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.

I was a shy child.  Yes, it’s true.  If you don’t believe me, ask my classmates and friends from childhood.  And, I’m still not (and will never be) a total extrovert.  But I’m also living proof one can overcome and/or manage the type of shyness and, frankly wimpy-ness, that holds us back from the bigger opportunities and joys of life.

Why was I a shy (and maybe wimpy) child? Perhaps some of it is inborn.  But I think most of my shyness developed out of occurrences such as feeling different from others (the whole gay thing), being a girl (socialized to ‘be nice’ and ‘not have my own mind’) as well as a lack of understanding and support from authority figures such as parents and teachers and, perhaps even bullying from others who may have been just as shy as me, but compensated in that way to overcome their shyness.

I was sitting in the hairdressers yesterday waiting to have my hair cut and I came across an article on shyness, in, of all magazines, Ladies Home Journal (okay, hold your jokes!).  So, between running across this article and, having my fair share of discussions with clients recently on this very topic, particularly as it relates to lesbian dating and relationships and career advancement I thought I’d post about shyness.

The first point I want to make about shyness is that there is nothing inherently wrong with being shy.

According to Dr. Phillip Zimbardo, one of the experts in the above-mentioned article, shy people…

“Are often empathic and sensitive, good listeners and keen observers of human behavior (many writers and actors, from Emily Dickinson to Julia Roberts, identify themselves as shy). And a shy person’s desire to spend time alone can be a very positive thing: It is doubtful that, had Albert Einstein been a party animal, he would have been able to shut himself off from the world long enough to give us E=mc^2.”

The second point I want to make about shyness is that it’s very, very common.  And, In fact, according to the research, shyness is on the rise!

That’s right!  According to Zimbardo, most of us are afraid, at least to some degree, some of the time!  Yes, even those who act brave or tough on the outside may be shivering in their boots on the inside!

Shyness may be ‘on the rise’ because we are looking for it now.  Or, perhaps as the article says, the virtual world we are now living in encourages many of us to hide behind our computers.  If that’s true, that proves that much of the shyness we experience may be due to habit or ‘lack of practice’.

So, if there isn’t anything really wrong with being shy, why do anything about it?

Like most concerns, whether or not shyness is a problem for you is all a matter of degree.  When does one’s shyness become a significant issue, warranting action? What is significant is different for each one of us.

For some it might be the continued frustration of being unable to form a love relationship with another person.  For example, do you avoid going to social events where you have the potential of meeting women to date, even though you want to date?  Do you spend time doing tasks that aren’t focused enough in your job search to land you interviews, because deep down you fear going on interviews?

Another reason you may want to ‘manage’ your shyness is physiological.  Expert Dr. Bernardo Carducci states,

“Shyness is a barrier to social contact, and social contact is a basic human need. Research has shown that those who don’t have enough of it tend to
experience more physical and emotional difficulties than well-connected individuals…And in other studies, aspects of shyness have been linked to depression, cardiovascular disease, and reduced life expectancy.”

So, extreme shyness could truly be called a ‘medical’ issue.  In my earlier days of training as a clinical social worker, it was believed that high levels of anxiety were ‘just psychological’ and, while the anxiety created physical symptoms such as heart palpitations, those symptoms weren’t dangerous.

Well, now we are learning more about the relationship between the ‘mind and the body’ and we are learning how psychological symptoms DO create a negative affect on the body.   For example, a little over a year ago I attended a major psychiatric conference in Orlando and attended several workshops focusing on the new information that is coming out about the negative impact on the body from negative feeling states.  For example, chemical imbalances in the brain DO impact the functioning of other bodily systems such as the endocrine, nervous, immune and cardiovascular systems.

Mental health professionals do have a diagnostic category for people whose shyness impacts their lives significantly: social phobia.  People diagnosed with social phobia desire a less ‘phobic’ experience but can’t seem to get it going on their own.  Therapy, medications or a combination of both are options for those who fit into this category.

How do you know if you have a social phobia? The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders IV-TR defines social phobia as a disorder when you have all the following symptoms:

A.  A marked and persistent fear of one or more social performance situations in which the person is exposed to unfamiliar people or to possible scrutiny by others. The individual fears that he or she will act in a way (or show anxiety symptoms) that will be humiliating or embarrassing. Note: In children, there must be evidence of the capacity for age-appropriate social relationships with familiar people and the anxiety must occur in peer settings, not just in interactions with adults.

B. Exposure to the social or performance situation almost invariably provokes an immediate anxiety response. This response may take the form of a situationally bound or situationally people predisposed Panic Attack. Note: In children, the anxiety may be expressed by crying, tantrums, freezing, or shrinking from social situations with unfamiliar people.

C. The person recognizes that their fear is excessive or unreasonable. Note: In children, this feature may be absent.

D. The social or performance situation is avoided, although it is sometimes endured with dread (intense anxiety or distress).

E. The avoidance, anxious anticipation of, or distress in, the feared social or performance situation interferes significantly with the person’s normal routine, occupational (academic) functioning, social life, or if the person is markedly distressed about having the phobia.

F. In individuals under age 18 years, the duration is at least 6 months.

G. The fear or avoidance is not due to the direct physiological effects of a substance or a general medical condition and is not better accounted for by another mental disorder (e.g., Panic Disorder, Separation Anxiety Disorder, Body Dysmorphic Disorder, a Pervasive Developmental Disorder, or Schizoid Personality Disorder).

H. If a general medical condition or another mental disorder is present, the fear in Criterion A or the avoidance in Criterion D, is unrelated to it (e.g., the fear is not of Stuttering, trembling in Parkinson’s disease, or exhibiting abnormal eating behavior in Anorexia Nervosa).

Specify if: Generalized: if the fears include most social situations (also consider the additional diagnosis of Avoidant Personality Disorder).

Is there a relationship between niceness or wimpy-ness and shyness?

By the way, now when I think about the wimpy part, I am not sure how it ties in to shyness but I think it does.  In a way, I wasn’t a wimp as a child.  Actually, I was even a ‘tomboy’.  I ran around the neighborhood and played mostly with the boys, enjoying more the types of games and activities the boys participated in.

However, it must have been that I received stronger messages at home and in school to ‘pipe down’.  And, here’s one of the big problems I see with ’shyness’:  not only do we lose out on certain opportunities, we may be more susceptible to being ‘taken advantage of’ by others, who see our reticence as an opportunity to take advantage of our ‘niceness’.

As a society, we give girls ‘mixed’ messages about niceness and assertiveness.  Even as adults, we tend to receive assertiveness and strength from women differently from the way we perceive these attributes when men exhibit them.  Women tend to be judged more harshly.

What can you do to overcome your shyness?

There is no ‘magic pill’ for dealing with shyness and social phobia.  Even pills have their negative side effects and shortcomings.  If you are taking medication for your social phobia, you will probably still need counseling to support you in becoming less phobic.

If your shyness doesn’t qualify as social phobia, you can probably, on your own, with just a little nudging and reminders, overcome your shyness.  Dr. Carducci says,

“Shy people are very self-focused,” he says. We worry about whether we’re good enough, smart enough, or likable enough without stopping to
consider that others might have the same insecurities we do. “Be other-focused,” Dr. Carducci recommends. Once shy people stop focusing on themselves, he says, their shyness no longer controls them.”

Dr. Carducci suggested to the author of the article to do a technique he calls ‘cognitive extroversion’ (don’t you love how technical experts are?) where you use all of your senses to envision a situation working out well.  Other suggestions mentioned include getting to parties early before the crowds and focusing on engaging with others, to take the focus off of yourself.
Barb Elgin, MSW, LCSW, Certified Singles Coach, is Coach Sappho: America’s Favorite Lesbian Love Coach and Matchmaker.  Be sure to stop by www.coachsappho.com, pick up your FREE gifts as well as to learn about our exciting new singles club for lesbians and our community for lesbian couples.

© Copyright 2009, Barb Elgin.  All Rights Reserved.  Feel free to forward this article as long as attribution remains intact.

Disclaimer: The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.

What does this mean to you, the merchant?  Well, with more debit cards coming into use, you will see an increase in the number of your own customers that will present a debit card for payment at the register, versus a credit card.

In today’s economy many people have maxed out their credit cards or have damaged their credit and can’t qualify for an actual credit card.  Then there is the growing sector known as “The Unbanked”, individuals who are not in the banking system, either by choice or due to credit problems.  These people often carry pre-paid debit cards purchased at check cashing stores, etc.  They load cash onto the cards and use them just like any bank-issued debit card.  The cards carry either the Visa or Mastercard hologram.

Debit cardholders may elect to have you swipe their card as either debit, requiring the customer to enter their Personal Identification Number (PIN), or have you swipe their card as “credit”.

Most merchant normally actually ask the customer, “Debit or credit?”  This is not the way to save yourself money on transaction processing costs.  As most merchants know, the cost is much less to process a transaction as debit than credit.  Debit transactions do not run through the Visa or Mastercard interchange network, and thus bypass their fees.  A typical credit card transaction might cost a merchant 1.6% and 20 cents transaction fee.  To process that same transaction as a debit, the cost is typically 0.7% and 30 cents.  The difference will average roughly $100 savings per $10,000 in sales. ( In this example, 1.6% would represent a transaction at the lowest tier, known as Qualified.  If the card has rewards, such as cash back or airline miles, it would run as Mid-qualified at around 2.7% or more.  A business or corporate or foreign card at 4% or more.)

So why would you leave the choice of processing to the customer?  They don’t care, trust me.  What you should be doing every time you take a debit card is swiping it as debit and presenting the PIN keypad to the customer so they can enter their PIN.  If you ever get a customer who for some odd reason really prefers to run the transaction as credit, just hit your cancel button and re-swipe as credit.  Some pre-paid debit cards do carry a transaction fee to the cardholder for credit swipe transactions and I have met people who incorrectly believed their bank would charge them a fee for a PIN debit transaction.

Being proactive like this can save you thousands of dollars a year, and with debit card use on the rise, processing debit cards properly will become ever more critical.

What’s that you say?  You don’t have a PIN keypad?  Well, contact your account executive with your merchant processor and order one today.  They cost anywhere from $100 to $300 and are often available refurbished.

Many credit card terminals actually have a PIN pad function built in, the customer enters their PIN directly on your terminal keyboard.  Check if your terminal does this.

One final remark about the savings by processing a debit card as debit versus credit.  Depending upon what your merchant services provider (MSP) is charging you for debit card PIN-based transaction versus credit card, there is a price point below which you may save money by choosing to swipe a debit card as a credit card.  Example:    You sell ice cream cones.  Average sale ticket is $10 for a family’s purchase.  To process as a PIN-based debit,  the cost to you will be .70% plus 30 cents.  That comes out to 7 cents and 30 cents= 37 cents to process as debit.  As a credit sale it would be 1.6% and perhaps 15 cents so that comes out to 16 cents plus 15 cents = 31 cents.  6 cents lower that a PIN-based debit sale.  Not a big difference for one sale, but multiplied out to a month’s sales volume it amounts to a bit of money you might be wasting.  You will have to run your own numbers depending on your own processing costs.

What’s that you say?  You don’t know exactly what you are paying to process plastic?  Well, you need to find out!

My own company, the merchant services provider for whom I am an account executive, offers a free analysis of your recent merchant account statement.  We break down what you pay for all three tiers of credit cards (known as Qualified, Mid-qualified and Non-qualified) as well as the various monthly fees that may be tacked on, and we the, side by side, show you what we propose to charge and what your bottom-line savings could be by switching your merchant processing to us.  All in one neat and easy-to-read page.  Free.  I have looked at many merchant account monthly statements in my time and most can be very confusing to the customer.

We are entering a cashless era in society and the ability to take electronic payments – credit and debit cards, gift and loyalty cards, electronic check processing and more – is a crucial aspect of running your business, and managing the associated costs is just good business.