dove

Your presence is often the best present.
- Quote on a piece of Dove chocolate I ate today

Now that we are past Labor Day and, in fact, living the day of 9/9/09, I just have to ask you…

Will you take time today, with all the hustle ‘n bustle (hehehe – I know silly ol’ saying), to enjoy the present? Yes it sounds so trite, however, I am just reminding you that you always have a choice to slow down and savor whatever it is you are doing, anytime YOU choose today.

When you do, notice what you ‘love’ about that moment.  And, make note of it.  Are you enjoying as many ‘presents’ as you can?  Are you enjoying what you are doing and, choosing to do more of what you enjoy?

I’m sitting here looking at a link an activist sent me this morning about one of those Christian ‘anti-gay’ movies that is making the rounds.  One of those ’so-called well intentioned, but mean-spirited campaigns that spread misinformation and hate’?  I thought about blogging on it and then, I thought, ‘You know what.  I’m not going to give it any mind.’

You might say, ‘Well Barb, that’s cold.’  Maybe it is.  But, I get tired sometimes, of fighting the wars.  Call me a (young) baby boomer hippie, but I’d rather ‘make love’. (Does Dove = Love???)   ;-)

See, I DO believe that what we focus on grows.  Even that yucky stuff.  So, often, when I decide what to share with readers (if it’s wise to share anything at all!), I am careful not to inject more negativity into their lives, unless I think the benefit outweighs the risks.  Many of us carry around enough fear, anger and other negative feelings already, don’t we?  Most of us already focus way too much on the negative, wouldn’t you agree?

I SO appreciate those individuals, like this activist, who have committed to fighting the wars.  Take, for example, the movement for marriage equality.  We need more to jump in and help out.  In fact, many are too apathetic.

But you can choose which part of the marriage equality ‘fight’ to put your energies into.  In today’s internet-connected world there is no shortage of ways you can get involved.  Seek and ye shall find.

Or, here is a simpler way: just be your ‘real’ self in your world.  If you are part of a gay or lesbian couple, don’t hide it.  If you are single, let family and friends know that and let them know you would like them to help you find compatible women to date.  Yes!  Change begins at home. Present yourself (ha!  there’s that word again!) at family and friend events just like any other couple.  You don’t have to ‘come out’ to anyone; just BE out.

In the straight world, word of mouth is still the #1 way people find their future spouse or life partner.  Why shouldn’t you have the advantage of having those who ‘know you well’ search for you?

If you aren’t ready to be this open and honest with family, be more open with others in the gay community about your relationship or single status.  More gay and lesbian couples need to support those gay couples organizations that exist and/or march in a pride parade, like those couples did at St. Pete Pride this year, carrying signs proudly displaying how long they’d been together.

And, perhaps single lesbians need support more than anyone.  Single lesbians are a minority in our community and, they often feel ‘left out’ and alone.   That’s one of the major reasons I formed the online community called Lez Rendezvous, which is a healthy, supportive social club for single lesbians, that blends fun, education and support.

Here’s the secret of ‘Lez Rez’s’ success – women who value deeply satisfying, lasting relationships are attracted to this community – so, if you share that value, what a great place to meet your soul mate!  ;-)

If you are thinking that finding spiritual support would help you and/or your relationship (and often, it can), find a gay or gay-friendly spiritual community you can attend that values finding, growing and nurturing gay and lesbian relationships.  Or, if you are the member of a church, speak up if they don’t have specific support for lesbian singles or lesbian couples.  Singles particularly, are often overlooked.

The options are endless.  For example, couples can join a social and educational community such as Lez Be Together, where the focus is connecting lesbian couples who share the value of deeply satisfying, lasting relationships.

So, again – I’ve chosen, consciously, to ignore the junky ‘anti-me’ stuff floating around out there.  Just because it’s there, that doesn’t mean I have to pay attention to it.  Garbage in, garbage out.  Be forewarned: if you choose to watch or read anti-gay materials, be prepared to be upset.  I used to give this sort of ‘trash’ too much of my attention, mostly because I was trying to understand the mind of those who judge me without even knowing me.

I know words like garbage and trash evoke strong, negative feelings and images.  I think it’s time we think of the anti-gay messages we hear with such strong, visceral, negativity.  This is one time when I think negativity is good.   The issue of GLBT equality is not one where we need to ‘negotiate’ some compromise.  My life and my equal rights (you know, not special rights, but the normal ones straight individuals take for granted) are NOT negotiable.

So, now you know why I no longer choose to fill my mind with that sort of clutter.  I’m too busy filling my ‘presents’ with living authentically and being positive.  I’m too busy living a good life being myself and changing hearts and minds that way.  Believe me it’s way easier.

We all have a part.  When you need a break from being the warrior, try being the lover for awhile.  And, if you haven’t fought yet, try that for awhile.  It’s all good…

Just remember you need to find your ‘center’ or balance, meaning, a well-tuned guitar is ’strung just right’, so that it can make beautiful music.  Strung too tight, strings break, and not strung tight enough you can’t play your song either.

For example, in today’s world and the way I’m playing in it, I get strung too tight sometimes.  My problem is not ‘too little stress’ (which IS a problem by the way), it’s too much.  Being overly engaged in life is not all bad: after all, if individuals don’t passionately engage in life, expressing their gifts, we’d have a much less interesting world, wouldn’t we?

However, again, it’s the ‘balance’ that’s key, particularly in today’s business world and, most definitely in personal relating:  I know when I slow down and calm myself, I am more pleasing to myself and, I think most would agree my presence is more of a present!

How about you?

One last note: Donna Tara Lee and I just recorded our second ‘GLBT Talk with Barb and Donna’ show last night.  If you’d like your free copy, be sure to sign up for Coach Sappho’s podcast.

Donna and I are having a blast.  In fact, we’ve decided to extend the show 15 more minutes, as we find we have too much to share to limit the show to 30 minutes.  Our next show is September 22nd.  Hope to see you there – listeners can listen on the web, call in or chat as well during the live show, which runs from 6:30p-7:15p ET.  Later on, podcast subscribers can pick up recorded copies of all our shows.

Have a wonderful rest of the week,

Barb Elgin, MSW, LCSW, Certified Singles Coach, is Coach Sappho: America’s Favorite Lesbian Love Coach and Matchmaker.  Be sure to stop by www.coachsappho.com, pick up your FREE gifts as well as to learn about our exciting new singles club for lesbians and our community for lesbian couples.

Does your business serve lesbians? If so, and you want to spread the word, join Lez Do Biz! a free, online network for businesses who serve lesbian, bisexual and transgender women.

© Copyright 2009, Barb Elgin.  All Rights Reserved.  Feel free to forward this article as long as attribution remains intact.

Disclaimer: The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.