By Barb Elgin, MSW, LCSW

I was a shy child.  Yes, it’s true.  If you don’t believe me, ask my classmates and friends from childhood.  And, I’m still not (and will never be) a total extrovert.  But I’m also living proof one can overcome and/or manage the type of shyness and, frankly wimpy-ness, that holds us back from the bigger opportunities and joys of life.

Why was I a shy (and maybe wimpy) child? Perhaps some of it is inborn.  But I think most of my shyness developed out of occurrences such as feeling different from others (the whole gay thing), being a girl (socialized to ‘be nice’ and ‘not have my own mind’) as well as a lack of understanding and support from authority figures such as parents and teachers and, perhaps even bullying from others who may have been just as shy as me, but compensated in that way to overcome their shyness.

I was sitting in the hairdressers yesterday waiting to have my hair cut and I came across an article on shyness, in, of all magazines, Ladies Home Journal (okay, hold your jokes!).  So, between running across this article and, having my fair share of discussions with clients recently on this very topic, particularly as it relates to lesbian dating and relationships and career advancement I thought I’d post about shyness.

The first point I want to make about shyness is that there is nothing inherently wrong with being shy.

According to Dr. Phillip Zimbardo, one of the experts in the above-mentioned article, shy people…

“Are often empathic and sensitive, good listeners and keen observers of human behavior (many writers and actors, from Emily Dickinson to Julia Roberts, identify themselves as shy). And a shy person’s desire to spend time alone can be a very positive thing: It is doubtful that, had Albert Einstein been a party animal, he would have been able to shut himself off from the world long enough to give us E=mc^2.”

The second point I want to make about shyness is that it’s very, very common.  And, In fact, according to the research, shyness is on the rise!

That’s right!  According to Zimbardo, most of us are afraid, at least to some degree, some of the time!  Yes, even those who act brave or tough on the outside may be shivering in their boots on the inside!

Shyness may be ‘on the rise’ because we are looking for it now.  Or, perhaps as the article says, the virtual world we are now living in encourages many of us to hide behind our computers.  If that’s true, that proves that much of the shyness we experience may be due to habit or ‘lack of practice’.

So, if there isn’t anything really wrong with being shy, why do anything about it?

Like most concerns, whether or not shyness is a problem for you is all a matter of degree.  When does one’s shyness become a significant issue, warranting action? What is significant is different for each one of us.

For some it might be the continued frustration of being unable to form a love relationship with another person.  For example, do you avoid going to social events where you have the potential of meeting women to date, even though you want to date?  Do you spend time doing tasks that aren’t focused enough in your job search to land you interviews, because deep down you fear going on interviews?

Another reason you may want to ‘manage’ your shyness is physiological.  Expert Dr. Bernardo Carducci states,

“Shyness is a barrier to social contact, and social contact is a basic human need. Research has shown that those who don’t have enough of it tend to
experience more physical and emotional difficulties than well-connected individuals…And in other studies, aspects of shyness have been linked to depression, cardiovascular disease, and reduced life expectancy.”

So, extreme shyness could truly be called a ‘medical’ issue.  In my earlier days of training as a clinical social worker, it was believed that high levels of anxiety were ‘just psychological’ and, while the anxiety created physical symptoms such as heart palpitations, those symptoms weren’t dangerous.

Well, now we are learning more about the relationship between the ‘mind and the body’ and we are learning how psychological symptoms DO create a negative affect on the body.   For example, a little over a year ago I attended a major psychiatric conference in Orlando and attended several workshops focusing on the new information that is coming out about the negative impact on the body from negative feeling states.  For example, chemical imbalances in the brain DO impact the functioning of other bodily systems such as the endocrine, nervous, immune and cardiovascular systems.

Mental health professionals do have a diagnostic category for people whose shyness impacts their lives significantly: social phobia.  People diagnosed with social phobia desire a less ‘phobic’ experience but can’t seem to get it going on their own.  Therapy, medications or a combination of both are options for those who fit into this category.

How do you know if you have a social phobia? The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders IV-TR defines social phobia as a disorder when you have all the following symptoms:

A.  A marked and persistent fear of one or more social performance situations in which the person is exposed to unfamiliar people or to possible scrutiny by others. The individual fears that he or she will act in a way (or show anxiety symptoms) that will be humiliating or embarrassing. Note: In children, there must be evidence of the capacity for age-appropriate social relationships with familiar people and the anxiety must occur in peer settings, not just in interactions with adults.

B. Exposure to the social or performance situation almost invariably provokes an immediate anxiety response. This response may take the form of a situationally bound or situationally people predisposed Panic Attack. Note: In children, the anxiety may be expressed by crying, tantrums, freezing, or shrinking from social situations with unfamiliar people.

C. The person recognizes that their fear is excessive or unreasonable. Note: In children, this feature may be absent.

D. The social or performance situation is avoided, although it is sometimes endured with dread (intense anxiety or distress).

E. The avoidance, anxious anticipation of, or distress in, the feared social or performance situation interferes significantly with the person’s normal routine, occupational (academic) functioning, social life, or if the person is markedly distressed about having the phobia.

F. In individuals under age 18 years, the duration is at least 6 months.

G. The fear or avoidance is not due to the direct physiological effects of a substance or a general medical condition and is not better accounted for by another mental disorder (e.g., Panic Disorder, Separation Anxiety Disorder, Body Dysmorphic Disorder, a Pervasive Developmental Disorder, or Schizoid Personality Disorder).

H. If a general medical condition or another mental disorder is present, the fear in Criterion A or the avoidance in Criterion D, is unrelated to it (e.g., the fear is not of Stuttering, trembling in Parkinson’s disease, or exhibiting abnormal eating behavior in Anorexia Nervosa).

Specify if: Generalized: if the fears include most social situations (also consider the additional diagnosis of Avoidant Personality Disorder).

Is there a relationship between niceness or wimpy-ness and shyness?

By the way, now when I think about the wimpy part, I am not sure how it ties in to shyness but I think it does.  In a way, I wasn’t a wimp as a child.  Actually, I was even a ‘tomboy’.  I ran around the neighborhood and played mostly with the boys, enjoying more the types of games and activities the boys participated in.

However, it must have been that I received stronger messages at home and in school to ‘pipe down’.  And, here’s one of the big problems I see with ’shyness’:  not only do we lose out on certain opportunities, we may be more susceptible to being ‘taken advantage of’ by others, who see our reticence as an opportunity to take advantage of our ‘niceness’.

As a society, we give girls ‘mixed’ messages about niceness and assertiveness.  Even as adults, we tend to receive assertiveness and strength from women differently from the way we perceive these attributes when men exhibit them.  Women tend to be judged more harshly.

What can you do to overcome your shyness?

There is no ‘magic pill’ for dealing with shyness and social phobia.  Even pills have their negative side effects and shortcomings.  If you are taking medication for your social phobia, you will probably still need counseling to support you in becoming less phobic.

If your shyness doesn’t qualify as social phobia, you can probably, on your own, with just a little nudging and reminders, overcome your shyness.  Dr. Carducci says,

“Shy people are very self-focused,” he says. We worry about whether we’re good enough, smart enough, or likable enough without stopping to
consider that others might have the same insecurities we do. “Be other-focused,” Dr. Carducci recommends. Once shy people stop focusing on themselves, he says, their shyness no longer controls them.”

Dr. Carducci suggested to the author of the article to do a technique he calls ‘cognitive extroversion’ (don’t you love how technical experts are?) where you use all of your senses to envision a situation working out well.  Other suggestions mentioned include getting to parties early before the crowds and focusing on engaging with others, to take the focus off of yourself.
Barb Elgin, MSW, LCSW, Certified Singles Coach, is Coach Sappho: America’s Favorite Lesbian Love Coach and Matchmaker.  Be sure to stop by www.coachsappho.com, pick up your FREE gifts as well as to learn about our exciting new singles club for lesbians and our community for lesbian couples.

© Copyright 2009, Barb Elgin.  All Rights Reserved.  Feel free to forward this article as long as attribution remains intact.

Disclaimer: The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.