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Don’t put your love life on hold: tips for single lesbians and lesbian couples

Barb Elgin — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 02:42:02 +0000

I speak to so many women who are putting their love lives on hold. Even women in long term relationships. Are you putting your love life on hold? Or, let me say it another way:

Could you be enjoying a more luscious lesbian love life?

Ohhh…la la! I mean it. If you are single and you can’t seem to ‘get it together’ to reach your dream of being ’settled in’ with a woman you can build an exciting future with, what are you waiting for? I speak to too many single lesbians who complain of this fact.

Eternally single lesbians

I point out to the 30-something single lesbians I talk to that they may think they have ‘plenty of time’. However, I then tell them that I talk to many 40 and 50-something single women who were amazed how fast time had gone.

There are one too many 40 or 50-something women who say they always ‘thought’ by now they’d be in the relationship of their dreams, but they are still single and they don’t understand why. Or, they’ve had relationships but they were short-lived or unsatisfying.

Could it be many single women are working too hard and not playing enough? Could it be they have shame about celebrating their sexuality by having an amazing relationship with another woman? Could it be they are telling themselves it just must not be ‘in the cards’ for them?

Most single lesbians are probably telling themselves some or all of these things and more. Many express their inner insecurity by being cynical or by blaming the universe. That’s what I observe…

Whatever has tripped you up, you can get over it. I truly believe all of us are born ready to be loving (and be loved). That’s a start. Yes, it takes more than that, and you can learn those secrets too! I promise…you may not always feel crazy about doing what you need to do to have a luscious lesbian love life, but you can learn what will work and do more of it.

If you are successful in your work, great. Now take that success and use it to get some balance in your life. Uncover the secrets to having a love life…

Seriously…all of those lesbian event companies and activity organizations will love me when I say this: there are plenty of you single ladies out there that need to inject more socializing into your week.

Betcha didn’t know that it’s the ladies who go out at least two times a week who are most likely to be in a relationship in one year. It’s true, according to one recent study of single women.

Long-Suffering Coupled Lesbians

In the old days they called her the ‘long suffering’ wife. Is that you? If you are in a relationship but you aren’t happy most of the time, and you are accepting that state of affairs, I would say you have put your love life ‘on hold’ too.

Only you can decide this and do something about it. Yes, I know it can be scary to admit things aren’t so hot or copacetic these days. But, don’t just assume your partner will take it personal. Maybe she’s feeling the same way and afraid to talk about it like you are.

The bottom line for couples is that you are so fortunate to have what you have. Perhaps part of your unhappiness stems from taking that fact for granted? No, you say, you do all you can to make things great and your partner won’t play along.

Well the good news is that just because it feels that way, that doesn’t make it so. If you tend to blame your partner for the state of your relationship or your feelings about your relationship, you’ve gotten caught up in a rut.

Maybe it’s time to take a whole new path…the path of luscious lesbian living and loving. Let’s start with your perspective. The glasses through which you see reality. Have they gotten a bit mud-clogged?

Perhaps it’s time to ‘clean off’ those glasses. Did you know that in relationships where partners evaluate their partner and their relationship through rose-hued glasses, that is, where they tend to give their partner some ’slack’, the happier they are? Makes sense doesn’t it?

When it comes to luscious lesbian loving, each partner takes responsibility for what she can control in any situation. Not more, not less, but just what it is. If my partner has a negative response to something I’ve said or done, even if I wouldn’t change what I did or said, I’d at least empathize with their feelings about it. That in itself may be a simple start to something more yummy…try it…

No you can’t change your partner. Nor should you try to as that will only irritate your partner. But, you can change how you are responding to your partner. You don’t have to just ‘react’ to her.

Reacting may seem more ‘honest’ to some, however, I would argue that successful couples seek their ‘best’ honesty in any situation, not whatever wants to spill out of one’s mouth. Any old honesty is not necessarily the best policy…hehehe….

I know myself, I have to be careful not to be too ‘vocal’ when I am stressed or tired. It is then I am most thoughtless. How about you?

I’ll even go so far to say, why not give yourself that space? How often do we forget to give ourselves such empathy? Try it out and see if that wonderful lusciousness doesn’t spread to your relationships with others…

Give yourself a luscious moment, just for you, today, okay? See you soon!

Barb Elgin, MSW, LCSW, Certified Singles Coach, is Coach Sappho: America’s Favorite Lesbian Love Coach and Matchmaker. Looking for a fun, easy and inexpensive way to get more of what YOU want when it comes to love? Be sure to join Barb as she launches Coach Sappho’s new book club ‘Let’s Talk About Love’, which begins 10/14/09.

Disclaimer: The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.

Overcome your shyness…life awaits!

Barb Elgin — Sat, 08 Aug 2009 19:41:38 +0000

By Barb Elgin, MSW, LCSW

I was a shy child. Yes, it’s true. If you don’t believe me, ask my classmates and friends from childhood. And, I’m still not (and will never be) a total extrovert. But I’m also living proof one can overcome and/or manage the type of shyness and, frankly wimpy-ness, that holds us back from the bigger opportunities and joys of life.

Why was I a shy (and maybe wimpy) child? Perhaps some of it is inborn. But I think most of my shyness developed out of occurrences such as feeling different from others (the whole gay thing), being a girl (socialized to ‘be nice’ and ‘not have my own mind’) as well as a lack of understanding and support from authority figures such as parents and teachers and, perhaps even bullying from others who may have been just as shy as me, but compensated in that way to overcome their shyness.

I was sitting in the hairdressers yesterday waiting to have my hair cut and I came across an article on shyness, in, of all magazines, Ladies Home Journal (okay, hold your jokes!). So, between running across this article and, having my fair share of discussions with clients recently on this very topic, particularly as it relates to lesbian dating and relationships and career advancement I thought I’d post about shyness.

The first point I want to make about shyness is that there is nothing inherently wrong with being shy.

According to Dr. Phillip Zimbardo, one of the experts in the above-mentioned article, shy people…

“Are often empathic and sensitive, good listeners and keen observers of human behavior (many writers and actors, from Emily Dickinson to Julia Roberts, identify themselves as shy). And a shy person’s desire to spend time alone can be a very positive thing: It is doubtful that, had Albert Einstein been a party animal, he would have been able to shut himself off from the world long enough to give us E=mc^2.”

The second point I want to make about shyness is that it’s very, very common. And, In fact, according to the research, shyness is on the rise!

That’s right! According to Zimbardo, most of us are afraid, at least to some degree, some of the time! Yes, even those who act brave or tough on the outside may be shivering in their boots on the inside!

Shyness may be ‘on the rise’ because we are looking for it now. Or, perhaps as the article says, the virtual world we are now living in encourages many of us to hide behind our computers. If that’s true, that proves that much of the shyness we experience may be due to habit or ‘lack of practice’.

So, if there isn’t anything really wrong with being shy, why do anything about it?

Like most concerns, whether or not shyness is a problem for you is all a matter of degree. When does one’s shyness become a significant issue, warranting action? What is significant is different for each one of us.

For some it might be the continued frustration of being unable to form a love relationship with another person. For example, do you avoid going to social events where you have the potential of meeting women to date, even though you want to date? Do you spend time doing tasks that aren’t focused enough in your job search to land you interviews, because deep down you fear going on interviews?

Another reason you may want to ‘manage’ your shyness is physiological. Expert Dr. Bernardo Carducci states,

“Shyness is a barrier to social contact, and social contact is a basic human need. Research has shown that those who don’t have enough of it tend to
experience more physical and emotional difficulties than well-connected individuals…And in other studies, aspects of shyness have been linked to depression, cardiovascular disease, and reduced life expectancy.”

So, extreme shyness could truly be called a ‘medical’ issue. In my earlier days of training as a clinical social worker, it was believed that high levels of anxiety were ‘just psychological’ and, while the anxiety created physical symptoms such as heart palpitations, those symptoms weren’t dangerous.

Well, now we are learning more about the relationship between the ‘mind and the body’ and we are learning how psychological symptoms DO create a negative affect on the body. For example, a little over a year ago I attended a major psychiatric conference in Orlando and attended several workshops focusing on the new information that is coming out about the negative impact on the body from negative feeling states. For example, chemical imbalances in the brain DO impact the functioning of other bodily systems such as the endocrine, nervous, immune and cardiovascular systems.

Mental health professionals do have a diagnostic category for people whose shyness impacts their lives significantly: social phobia. People diagnosed with social phobia desire a less ‘phobic’ experience but can’t seem to get it going on their own. Therapy, medications or a combination of both are options for those who fit into this category.

How do you know if you have a social phobia? The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders IV-TR defines social phobia as a disorder when you have all the following symptoms:

A. A marked and persistent fear of one or more social performance situations in which the person is exposed to unfamiliar people or to possible scrutiny by others. The individual fears that he or she will act in a way (or show anxiety symptoms) that will be humiliating or embarrassing. Note: In children, there must be evidence of the capacity for age-appropriate social relationships with familiar people and the anxiety must occur in peer settings, not just in interactions with adults.

B. Exposure to the social or performance situation almost invariably provokes an immediate anxiety response. This response may take the form of a situationally bound or situationally people predisposed Panic Attack. Note: In children, the anxiety may be expressed by crying, tantrums, freezing, or shrinking from social situations with unfamiliar people.

C. The person recognizes that their fear is excessive or unreasonable. Note: In children, this feature may be absent.

D. The social or performance situation is avoided, although it is sometimes endured with dread (intense anxiety or distress).

E. The avoidance, anxious anticipation of, or distress in, the feared social or performance situation interferes significantly with the person’s normal routine, occupational (academic) functioning, social life, or if the person is markedly distressed about having the phobia.

F. In individuals under age 18 years, the duration is at least 6 months.

G. The fear or avoidance is not due to the direct physiological effects of a substance or a general medical condition and is not better accounted for by another mental disorder (e.g., Panic Disorder, Separation Anxiety Disorder, Body Dysmorphic Disorder, a Pervasive Developmental Disorder, or Schizoid Personality Disorder).

H. If a general medical condition or another mental disorder is present, the fear in Criterion A or the avoidance in Criterion D, is unrelated to it (e.g., the fear is not of Stuttering, trembling in Parkinson’s disease, or exhibiting abnormal eating behavior in Anorexia Nervosa).

Specify if: Generalized: if the fears include most social situations (also consider the additional diagnosis of Avoidant Personality Disorder).

Is there a relationship between niceness or wimpy-ness and shyness?

By the way, now when I think about the wimpy part, I am not sure how it ties in to shyness but I think it does. In a way, I wasn’t a wimp as a child. Actually, I was even a ‘tomboy’. I ran around the neighborhood and played mostly with the boys, enjoying more the types of games and activities the boys participated in.

However, it must have been that I received stronger messages at home and in school to ‘pipe down’. And, here’s one of the big problems I see with ’shyness’: not only do we lose out on certain opportunities, we may be more susceptible to being ‘taken advantage of’ by others, who see our reticence as an opportunity to take advantage of our ‘niceness’.

As a society, we give girls ‘mixed’ messages about niceness and assertiveness. Even as adults, we tend to receive assertiveness and strength from women differently from the way we perceive these attributes when men exhibit them. Women tend to be judged more harshly.

What can you do to overcome your shyness?

There is no ‘magic pill’ for dealing with shyness and social phobia. Even pills have their negative side effects and shortcomings. If you are taking medication for your social phobia, you will probably still need counseling to support you in becoming less phobic.

If your shyness doesn’t qualify as social phobia, you can probably, on your own, with just a little nudging and reminders, overcome your shyness. Dr. Carducci says,

“Shy people are very self-focused,” he says. We worry about whether we’re good enough, smart enough, or likable enough without stopping to
consider that others might have the same insecurities we do. “Be other-focused,” Dr. Carducci recommends. Once shy people stop focusing on themselves, he says, their shyness no longer controls them.”

Dr. Carducci suggested to the author of the article to do a technique he calls ‘cognitive extroversion’ (don’t you love how technical experts are?) where you use all of your senses to envision a situation working out well. Other suggestions mentioned include getting to parties early before the crowds and focusing on engaging with others, to take the focus off of yourself.
Barb Elgin, MSW, LCSW, Certified Singles Coach, is Coach Sappho: America’s Favorite Lesbian Love Coach and Matchmaker. Be sure to stop by www.coachsappho.com, pick up your FREE gifts as well as to learn about our exciting new singles club for lesbians and our community for lesbian couples.

Lesbian couple from Florida celebrating 70 years together

Barb Elgin — Tue, 21 Jul 2009 04:57:34 +0000

By Barb Elgin, MSW, LCSW, Certified Singles Coach

No, that’s not a typo! The title of today’s post is correct…

There’s a lesbian couple (living right here in Florida, no less) who are happily celebrating their 70th anniversary together! Yes! Their names are Caroline Leto and Venera Magazzu and they live in Dania Beach.

Isn’t that incredible? On one hand, yes it is. Any individual who survives all of the challenges of living (including surviving until one’s 90’s), is a rarity. Add to that being a gay or lesbian couple both living into their nineties and staying together, well now, that’s surely extra rare.

These women lived their primes at a time when they must have felt tremendous pressure to remain silent with most about their true selves. And, they did. They couldn’t be out like gay and lesbian couples take for granted today.

On the other hand, why should we be surprised that a lesbian couple has achieved such a feat? Even though we hear all of the stereotypes – that lesbian relationships don’t last, that it’s a bunch of drama when two women get together, etc., long term lesbian relationships DO exist.

Given the fact that many older lesbian couples like Caroline and Venera were so ‘hidden’, due to the fact they lived during a time in our country’s history when most gays weren’t out, I’m betting there’s got to be at least a few more couples like this one around the world.

As I read this fine story, I was reminded of that wonderful couples group – Gulf Coast Couples – that I saw marching in the St. Pete Pride parade a few weeks ago. Be sure to check out their pictures of the march, right there on their home page. There you will see what those of us there live saw – many gay and lesbian couples marching down the street, with signs in their hands showing how many years they’d been together.

Click here to read Caroline and Venera’s story.

Barb Elgin, MSW, LCSW, Certified Singles Coach, is Coach Sappho: America’s Favorite Lesbian Love Coach and Matchmaker. Be sure to stop by www.coachsappho.com, pick up your FREE gifts as well as to learn about our exciting new singles club for lesbians and our community for lesbian couples.

When it comes to deeply satisfying, lasting lesbian love no one does it better than YOU

Barb Elgin — Wed, 08 Jul 2009 22:16:14 +0000

As I write to you about this topic, I am reminded of the popular song from a James Bond movie, called ‘Nobody Does it Better’. When it comes to your love life, no one else will make sure you have a great one like you will.

That sentence was SO important I’ll say it again…

No one else will make sure you enjoy a great love life like you will.

You deserve the love life you want, and, health-wise, it is important you feel great about your love life as often as you can.

So where does a smart and sophisticated Sappho gal begin to ensure she is enjoying a great love life?

Sapphic gals who enjoy great love lives give themselves whatever support is needed to reach their goal. Each woman is different in how they focus on achieving the goal of a deeply satisfying, lasting relationship. But the common thread is the focus.

Recommendations for Lesbian Couples

Great relationships don’t ‘just happen’. I actually have known more than one lesbian who tells me their relationship is great but when I get to know their partner, there’s an obvious disparity in reported satisfaction levels.

For example, do you really know for sure your partner is deeply satisfied? Yes, it’s important to have a ‘lovin’ feeling about your love life, but, if you are in the dark (or in denial) about your partner’s feelings, that will probably come up to bite you at some point.

And, I know plenty of instances where couples report things going well and, a year later, they are having major troubles. Could this have been prevented? I don’t know, however, if you are both ‘tuned in’ to your relationship, you should be able to identify problems early enough on to do something to either prevent a problem from actually manifesting itself or, at least be able to deal with it when it’s small and hopefully easier to address.

One way to ensure you have a great love life is to build a relationship with an expert, so that you can call on him or her if a problem arises. Even better would be to have an ongoing relationship with a relationship expert who can get to know the two of you and really identify a problem, even when both of you miss it. How is that possible, you say? Well, actually, it’s quite common. Why does this happen? Love relationships are complex. Sometimes couples are ‘too close to’ their relationship to be able to spot emerging or potential problems.

Okay, Barb, you say. Of course you are going to recommend we see a coach because you’re a coach. Well, I would say that you can try other options too such as reading a great book (and, even better, getting one with some exercises in it and actually doing them or, if the book doesn’t have exercises, reading and discussing passages in the book). And, there may be some other support group options, say, at your church or community center. But be sure to verify the training and backgrounds of any helper.

What’s my beef with the above options? None really, other than the fact nothing replaces the ideas and support you can receive from live interaction with an expert. How often do you read a book and never actually ‘use’ any of the great suggestions it provides? My point exactly…

Lastly, just because you’ve been with your partner for many years, whether that’s 5, 10, 20 or even 30 years or more, that doesn’t protect you from having to tweak things a bit, to keep it great, from time to time. Sometimes when I meet lesbian women out and about at pride festivals and other lesbian and GLBT events, they’ll say ‘We’ve been together a long time, we obviously don’t need YOUR help’.

Well, you may disagree, but I can pretty well guarantee that this thought may actually be a blind spot for some couples. Yes, you may not ‘have any problems’. But, I would argue that even an ‘absence of problems’ is not protection against dissatisfaction. Perhaps you aren’t even aware of what satisfaction you COULD be feeling? Lastly, perhaps the truest test is this question – would your partner agree?

I recommend all individuals in relationships take Coach Sappho’s Luscious Lesbian Living and Loving Quiz today – separately – and then share your results. Or, if you aren’t ready to share your results with your partner yet, and you want support for doing so, contact me and set up a complimentary phone discussion. I’ll help you act in the best interests of yourself and your relationship.

Recommendations for Single Lesbians

If you are single, you need to believe that being single is a gift, not a curse. As a single person, you are now free to take your time and choose, whether or not you want to seek a life partner or, take a break and not date or even, date for fun (without the promise of any serious dating or exclusivity).

Yes, lesbians need to learn to date – meaning – instead of ‘falling for’ the first lesbian you kiss, date several women, and, then, once you’ve decided to date one person exclusively, take your time and really figure out if ’she’s the one’ before you decide to enter a committed relationship with her.

Now, you might say, ‘Barb, several women? Won’t I be branded a player?’ No, you are not a player, or a slut, if you are clear with the women you see that you are dating for fun and you aren’t yet interested in anything heavier right now. After all, how else do you learn what (and who) you like?

Singles may think they are ‘ready’ for a relationship but, in actuality they often times aren’t. Being single is not enough to qualify you to be ready for dating or a relationship. Want to find out where you stand? I recommend you complete Coach Sappho’s Luscious Lesbian Living and Loving Quiz and find out.

The bottom line here is that savvy Sappho gals reach out and get advice, they get help, they read and learn and, they experiment with what they learn, until they find what works (for now). And they repeat that process. In short, savvy Sappho lovers are open to new ideas and new ways of creating the life and love they desire. They make time for taking care of what they value the most. And, we know that those who make their love relationship a priority receive great value in return.

Believe you and me, what I’m recommending above is vitally important when you are traveling the ‘lesbian love jungle’. When you don’t set up these safeguards, you are in a reactionary, rushed mode that may ultimately cause you to miss creating the deeply satisfying, lasting relationship you say you want!

So, don’t forget – your very first secret to bringing more love into your luscious lesbian life, and to keep it simple, sister, at the same time, is to do whatever it takes to attract, create and nurture a deeply satisfying, lasting relationship. There are really no short cuts. I’ll say more about this concept in future posts.

Thanks for reading. Be sure to post your thoughts right here on the blog in the ‘comments’ section. Or, if you’d rather send them to me privately, just just email me with your question(s) and I will do my best to respond.

Barb Elgin, MSW, LCSW, Certified Singles Coach, is Coach Sappho: America’s Favorite Lesbian Love Coach. Be sure to stop by www.coachsappho.com, pick up your FREE gifts as well as to learn about our exciting new singles club for lesbians and our community for lesbian couples.

Hang tough – gay marriage is coming to all of America!

Barb Elgin — Fri, 29 May 2009 22:20:19 +0000

I know it’s been a tough week for equality, fairness and for gay Californians especially. The rest of the country is looking on, and doing all it can to be supportive. That includes me, here in Florida.

I posted to a lesbian relationship blog I read quite often earlier today. The blog’s creator lamented her frustration with the California decision and suggested perhaps we should stop wanting marriage and accept civil unions.

That’s a ‘mental space’ I’ve fallen into as well, at times. That’s just what those who thrive on denying people civil rights want us to do. That’s where I was back last year when I invited Evan Wolfson, from Freedom to Marry, to Coach Sappho’s podcast. I was feeling defeated about gay marriage and, it’s chances of ever becoming the law of the entire U.S.

Evan does amazing work. He’s an attorney by training, but he is also one of those experts in the marriage equality movement we need to emulate. Evan’s words restored my faith in knowing that ‘what is right eventually comes to pass’.

If you are flagging in your faith or enthusiasm, I’d suggest you listen to my interview with Evan. Click here to get your copy. Just note the interview was done in early 2008, before the California supreme court ruled for equal marriage the first time (pre-Prop 8).

What I loved about this interview was Evan’s way of comparing the same sex marriage issue to other civil right’s issues our country has resolved. Evan is sure eventually America will be inclusive of same sex marriage as well. During the interview Evan gives many historical examples. Great stuff. And, I was so proud of my listeners who asked Evan some great questions!

Secondly, two items crossed my computer this week that I thought shed light on all that is good, ‘right’ and positive about gay marriage:

1) A new study on gay married couples in Massachusetts reveals marriage matters – A new study being released this week that interviewed some of the first American gay couples given the right to marry shows the many ways marriage is positive, for gay couples, their children and the community at large.

Gay marriage matters:

“This really helps us confirm and makes us understand why same-sex couples demand marriage – if it’s just about the legal rights, why wouldn’t they be happy with civil partnerships?” said Stephanie Coontz author of “Marriage, A History. “They want access to that word that is so highly valued by our society and by other people.”

According to Stephen Smith at Boston.com, who summarized key points of the study…”Virtually all of the married men and women who responded – 93 percent – said “love and commitment” were the prime factors in their decision to wed…Marriage appears to have forged stronger ties between spouses and their families and even colleagues on the job. When asked whether marriage had created a stronger bond with their partners, nearly three-quarters said it had. And families, the gay couples said, reacted with overwhelming acceptance of their marriage: 82 percent said their parents responded positively, while 91 percent indicated siblings were receptive…Eight of 10 study participants said that being married made them more likely to disclose their sexual orientation to their coworkers and doctors…”That suggests there’s something powerful about that ritual, about that institution,” one of the study’s authors, Dr. Lee Badgett said. “People feel more accepted by society.”

Smith reports one of the married gay men in the study said of getting married…

“And yet, what happened as we were getting married, it was an experience I’d never had before,” said Scott McGuill…”I was so moved at just being in the presence of someone I’d been with 10 years, talking about our love together and our commitment to each other.”

At family gatherings, McGuill felt a keen sense of difference when he watched his married brothers and sisters – until that August morning three years ago.

“Now, I have what they have,” said McGuill, a veterinarian. “I have a marriage. Getting married, there’s nothing revolutionary about it – it’s something you do with the person you love.”

Click here to pick up your copy of the UCLA Institute’s study. Please note that the sample selected had incomes and levels of education that may not be representative of all gay couples.

2) GLMA’s Paper on Same Sex Marriage and Health – I’m a subscriber to the Gay and Lesbian Medical Association’s e-zine. They sent out a blast today and, in light of the California debacle, reminded readers of an important paper they put out last year on same sex marriage and health. It’s a great report, 16 pages total and gives a summary of why it’s important to secure marriage for gay and lesbian couples. Click here to pick up your copy.

I hope you’ll ‘keep the faith’ and continue to educate those who need to be educated, tell your story, take care of your relationship health, etc.

Part II – Are you a click away from meeting Mz. Right online?

Barb Elgin — Fri, 29 May 2009 19:22:12 +0000

During Part I of this two part post on finding Mz. Right online, I shared three important introductory tips on succeeding. These included…

being choosy
being safe
being generous, but starting small

Today, I want to share with you four more very powerful guidelines to keep in mind when surfing for love online.

4) Be patient – While your Mz. Right may seem to be, literally, only a click away, the reality is that for most of us it take lots of clicking (along with other searching methods and dating skills) to find your forever chick.

So remember, many of those clicks will seem like ‘dead ends’. Accept this as part of the process of having fun while dating and finding your forever love. You never know who will lead you to who. For example, I know many stories of people who go out on a date with one person they met online, it doesn’t click and then, later, they are introduced to a ‘date’ by the former date.

There are also lots of other ways to search for Mz. Right, such as telling everyone you know you are looking and more, so, stay tuned for future posts where I will reveal these ways of finding her!

5) Be sure you know what/who you are looking for BEFORE you seriously seek romance online - What is your ultimate goal in seeking romance online right now? Are you seeking friends, casual/recreational/fun dates, sex, serious dating leading to a long term relationship or ???

You can’t be clear with others until you are clear with yourself what you envision for your future. Word to the wise: there is nothing wrong with not knowing what you want. You’re not alone.

If this is you, do yourself and others a favor: hold off on serious dating until you are sure who and what you are looking for. That doesn’t mean you can’t date. But I recommend you be very clear with others you are exploring and that you aren’t ready to ‘get serious’ with anyone right now.

I call ‘non-serious’ dating ‘recreational’ dating or, dating for fun. Many lesbian women have been raised to believe that ‘non-serious’ dating isn’t really dating or is a sign of immorality. It’s true – remember back to high school and young adulthood when we heard there was a woman who ‘dated around’. She was usually characterized as a floozie or ‘loose’.

Lesbians get into more trouble with love and relationships because they don’t know how to date! Part of learning how to date is knowing that there are different types of dating, depending on where you are in the ‘Creating the Relationship of Your Dreams’ process. So, learn what the different types of dating are and match your dating to fit where you are right now.

6) Be ready for Mz. Right by being clearer who you are - This step is actually a prerequisite to #5 above, however, because most of us tend to ‘put the cart before the horse’ I let you enjoy dessert first!

Now the whole truth – if your deepest desire is to settle down with (not settle for) the woman of your dreams, before you are going to know WHO or WHAT you want you must begin by being ready for love. A major aspect of being ready for love is getting clear who you are.

In fact – don’t waste any more time being unclear. Remember too that if you aren’t sure what you want and you go and start meeting women online, you may miss out on women who are potential partners for you.

Important point to keep in mind: just because you are single that doesn’t mean you are ‘ready’ to find Mz. Right. What you say? Readiness has to do with steering clear of the ‘nettlesome’ elements of the lesbian love jungle and includes a handful of critical elements. One of them is getting to know yourself better.

So, before you do anything else, stop right now and get a better sense your ‘readiness’ for love. I have a wonderful quiz for you to take that will help you find out where you stand RIGHT NOW. And, even better, it’s free. This quiz will help you immediately know yourself better, I promise! Cool stuff, I promise…

7) Be confident and optimistic you WILL meet many potential Mz. Right’s as you go about living a great life as a single lesbian. I know being single and seeking a life partner (or even a date for Friday night) can be daunting. If you are still getting over a relationship that has ended, it can be especially difficult being ‘available’ to date in the ways you will need to be to find Mz. Right.

Well, here’s the rub: those who aren’t desperately seeking a partner are the ones most likely to find her! Yes. Desperation or trying too hard tends to repel others rather than attract them. Do you recognize desperation or ‘pushing’ in yourself? If you aren’t sure, ask trusted friends to help you know.

What’s the popular song say – never let them see you sweat? It’s true, you must exhibit an air of confidence, calmness and non-clingy-ness if you want to attract that gal you are eyeing across the cruise deck.

No matter what reality looks like now, you must envision (and be) confident that there are many potential Mz. Right’s out there – right now – just waiting to meet you. Yes! You must focus on that reality.

Think me crazy? I know when I first was taught to reframe my thinking in this way it felt odd, maybe even ‘deceptive’? However, as I’ve continued to coach clients and experience the single life myself, I would have to say there is much truth to this perspective, which some have called the ‘inner game’ of dating and mating.

Are you emotionally reasoning Mz. Right away?

I would like to direct you to a list of cognitive distortions developed by psychologist David Burns that I want you to get familiar with after reading this article. Why do I like this list? Burn’s ‘cognitive distortions’ list has been around for a couple of decades and continues to inform because it contains 10 very common ways we humans put up roadblocks to our happiness (and 10 powerful solutions).

For example, Burns 7th cognitive distortion is called ‘emotional reasoning’. Applied to dating, this distortion says just because you feel like you’ll never meet your Mz. Right, that doesn’t make it true in objective reality.

Even worse – when you let a distortion such as ‘emotional reasoning’ dominate your thoughts, you are more likely adopt a ‘give up’ attitude and avoid taking the actions you need to take to find Mz. Right. You decide ‘why bother’? Then you find yourself becoming a ’self-fulfilling’ prophecy, where you say ’see, I was right’ and you remain single, lonely and lamenting, ‘there is no one out there for me’.

Make self-fulfilling prophecies work FOR you

If you choose instead to say ‘Hey, she’s out there I know it’, and envision that until you believe it, you will get out there and do the actions you need to do, to make meeting Mz. Right happen. Viola – this is called making ’self-fulfilling’ prophecies work for you rather than against you!

If you’re going to magnify or minimize in your thinking, do so in ways that work for you rather than against you

Another very common thinking distortion singles often engage in is catastrophizing, which can go in either direction: minimizing or magnifying, either some aspect of themselves, others, the dating process, relationships, etc., in ways that prevent self confidence or faith in a positive outcome.

Sound familiar? The good news is that I think we can turn this one on it’s ear. I think we can catastrophize in OPTIMISTIC ways that help us. For example, if you are going to make mountains out of molehills at least do it the way optimists do! Let me explain…

My favorite researcher and thinker on the subject of optimism is my buddy Martin Seligman. While there is so much more to say about Seligman’s work on optimism than I have space for in this post, to sum it up for the purposes of this post, Seligman has shown through his research that those who take an ‘optimistic outlook’ towards life are healthier and happier.

What is an ‘optimistic outlook’? When you think optimistically, you…

Explain good events in terms of permanent causes: traits, abilities, always’s (whereas when you take a pessimistic view you explain good events in terms of transient causes: moods, effort, sometimes’s). For example, when you are optimistic you say you are having a bad day instead of calling yourself an idiot. Or, when a new ‘date’ doesn’t call you the next day, you say ’she must be busy’ instead of jumping to conclusions such as ‘I guess she didn’t like me’ or ‘I guess she didn’t have a good time last night with me’.
Explain bad events as having specific causes, while you tell yourself when something good happens it will enhance everything you do (whereas the pessimist believes that bad events have universal causes and that good events are caused by specific factors). For example, if you read this article and don’t find it helpful, if you are thinking pessimistically you will say ‘all relationship articles are stupid’ instead of saying ‘this relationship article is stupid’. Or, if a woman likes you and asks you out for a second date you glow, saying to yourself ‘I’m charming’ instead of just saying ‘I’m charming to her’. This helps protect you later if the relationship must end for some reason.
Explain bad events as being caused by reasons beyond your control and when good events happen you believe you impacted that success. According to Seligman, ‘People who believe thay cause good things tend to like themselves better than people who believe good things come from other people or circumstances.’

Seligman believes people can learn to be more optimistic, even if their tendency is to go pessimistic more easily right now.

What gurus throughout history say is key to living and loving greatly

To me, if we listen to all of the great spiritual and psychological leaders of our time (and throughout history), they all seem to agree on certain secrets to living and loving greatly:

Act and envision ‘as if’ you have already manifested what you desire
Be grateful for what you’re manifesting (even if you haven’t manifested that vision in reality…yet)
Focus on living an attractive life now, as you are, as this seems to attract others (another way of saying it – you attract more bees with honey than vinegar)
Believe – in yourself, in progress, in the power of positivity, creativity, humanity and, in life itself

It’s time committed lesbian couples gain equality with the IRS!

Barb Elgin — Thu, 21 May 2009 00:38:22 +0000

One of my ’single but dating one woman exclusively’ community members wrote me upset today as she is discovering what gay marriage activists have been squawking about for awhile now. Yes, it’s true, I wrote, gay couples lose out financially in multiple ways when they can’t marry. Even if a gay or lesbian couple is married in the five states where it is now legal or, signs on for those so-called domestic partnership benefits some local governments are allowing, it’s a ‘crumb’ compared to the whole loaf of bread straight couples receive.

I followed up on my community member’s request by locating one of the original papers written summarizing this inequality – Tax Implications for Gay Couples – by Goldberg and Badgett at the UCLA William’s Institute. Another great piece that describes how these inequities play themselves out in the lives of real flesh and blood gay and lesbian couples is described here in an interesting NPR piece entitled ‘With the Gay Tax Love Doesn’t Come Cheap’.

As the author of the NPR piece eloquently states,

“The media’s primary focus on the morality debate around same-sex marriage means that most of the public, gay or straight, knows little about the very real economic costs of inequality. It doesn’t matter that Joan and I married in Massachusetts five years ago this week, or that our home state recognizes our marriage. It makes no difference that she works for a progressive company with an active LGBT employees group. Companies pay for their employees’ health insurance with pretax money through a federal program, and same-sex marriage isn’t federally recognized.”

What I find interesting about all of this is that, as gay and lesbian individuals start to value themselves and their relationships more, hearing facts like the above ‘hits home’ in ways they never have before. Ten years ago, I know I didn’t yet comprehend the real financial ‘benefits’ I was being denied as a tax-paying, but devoted partner in a long term, committed relationship. In my heart, I was as married as most of my married straight peers.

Ten years ago most of us didn’t much consider what we were being denied. Now, we understand the impacts much, much more, particularly as we get older, grow old together and face more and more of the financial vulnerabilities of living and loving as committed couples, parents, families, etc.

Get educated. Get angry. Take constructive action. While ten percent of gay and lesbian Americans can now legally wed their same sexed partner, even they still find their marriages invalidated federally. We need to overturn nasty laws like DOMA (Defense of Marriage Act) and give 100% of gay and lesbian couples in America federal marriage benefits – now!

Part I – Are you a click away from meeting Mz. Right?

Barb Elgin — Sat, 16 May 2009 21:47:19 +0000

Today’s post focuses on single lesbians and the topic of attracting romance online. As I’m sure you are aware, the internet has literally opened up whole new worlds for lesbian women.

We’re seeing an explosion of new lesbian communities, organizations and groups spring up rapidly as women (many times right around the block from each other, but invisible to each other), discovering one another for the first time, oftentimes just by sitting home clicking away from an easy chair.

Many would even say ‘we’d never be where we are in the gay marriage movement right now if we didn’t have the internet’. And you won’t get a disagreement from me on that one…

Whether you live in an area that lacks a thriving, visible, lesbian community, OR you live in a metropolitan area where you have the opposite problem of deciding WHICH community or communities to connect with, the internet can be very supportive to you, if you know how to use it wisely.

Wisdom is the key word when it comes to using the internet to meet Mz. Right. Remember that whole new worlds are also often like the wild, wild west! Or, the lesbian love jungle! While the sky is the limit, you must remember to pack your survival gear girl scout, so you can land safely!

Below are some sizzlin’ words of sapphic wisdom to keep in mind as you attract YOUR Mz. Right online:

1) Be choosy – Mom was right, happier lesbians choose to be choosy. Don’t be seduced into thinking Mz. Right is just a click away! While the internet makes it quicker and easier connecting with more single lesbians you are initially attracted to, physical and psychological chemistry is just the first step.

You will still need to be choosy in the way you go about selecting which women to meet, let alone date or seriously consider as a life partner.

Extra caveat: don’t be seduced by another person’s seeming interest in you, for example. Are you interested too? Be honest with yourself. The feeling must be mutual.

Don’t know? Time to get some support getting clearer who you are and what you want, in life and in love.

2) Be safe – Closely related to #1 above, remember that, when you meet someone online who doesn’t know anyone else you know, you are wading into ‘uncharted territory’.

Due to concerns around safety and identify theft, of course you know you MUST practice safe surfing and self-disclosure as you go about making friends and finding love online.

For example, you must do whatever you can to protect your identity and important personal information until you are sure you are dealing with a sane, trustworthy person. How do you do that? Here are some ideas:

Do not, under any circumstances, give out your home address or any detailed personal information such as your birth date, children’s names, place of work, social security number or other financial information.
Never allow a date to pick you up at your house for your first meeting.
As far as giving your last name, that is a ‘gray’ area too. I would err on the conservative side by suggesting you don’t give out your last name until you’ve at least met the person face-to-face at least once, you felt okay about them at that meeting, and you have decided to meet them again.
The best phone number to give out this early on is a cell phone number. If you haven’t given out your last name yet, keep that in mind in creating your voice mail message. If you don’t have a cell phone, but your land line number is unlisted, it is probably okay to give it out. Nowadays, however, with search engines, it is becoming even harder to hide unlisted phone numbers.
You could decide to only exchange email addresses until after a first meeting and you feel comfortable enough moving forward before you give her your cell number.
Your first ‘in person’ contact should be in a neutral, public place and, preferably during the day. Your conversation should be light and fun and the date should not last more than an hour or so. Good ideas for meeting places: coffee shops, bookstores, delicatessens. Get a soda or coffee together and just start getting to know one another.
Of course always let at least one friend or family member know you are going on a date or meeting someone. Make a plan to follow up with your friend shortly after your date.
During your initial meeting(s) with a woman, be sure to sit face-to-face not side-by-side, to discourage physically-charged interaction.

3) Be generous, but start small – Boundaries are important to establish from the beginning. For example, a big no-no I see some lesbians engage in at this point is being too generous, too soon. I call this the ‘let me impress you’ trap.

Examples of this include sending flowers before you meet, and spending gobs of money taking someone to an expensive restaurant or event on the first date. Why do I advise against this sort of thing? Because it smacks of trying to impress.

If you set this sort of precedent, you could be setting up an expectation you can’t sustain. It also sets you up for being hurt if you are expecting your date to reciprocate in ways she’s not ready for at this point.

Who pays on a lesbian date? In the land of lesbian dating, you get to choose! Start setting ‘precedent’ now, by bringing up the subject with your date before you meet. Express your ideas and let her give hers. Come to a decision. Keep in mind cost when choosing where you will go. Again, start small by planning a low cost outing.

If you expect equality, you may suggest going dutch. Or, if you asked her out, perhaps you pay this time. If you continue to date, perhaps you decide to alternate who pays.

What if you can afford much more than your date (or vice versa)? Well, again, it’s up to you what ‘precedent’ you set around the very powerful issue of money. Do you want your date to get used to you paying all or most of the time? Do you want to pay all or most of the time?

Stay tuned for my next post, when I reveal more tasty tidbits on finding Mz. Right online!

The lesbian love jungle revealed

Barb Elgin — Thu, 07 May 2009 03:43:09 +0000

Some may ask

Why do you use the image of a jungle when you talk about lesbian dating, love and relationships?

Of course I am just being metaphorical, and, having some fun, however, I think the jungle image fits. Love may be, as Pat Benatar once said, a battlefield for some, but, when I speak of ’surviving the lesbian love jungle’ I am referring to being aware of where the most dangerous thicket is and just not going in there.

I’m not naive. The way humans relate when it comes to sexual attraction and human bonding is complex. I know you are going to tempt fate at some point, like the moth coming oh-so-close to the flame. I’ve been there too.

I am also talking about knowing what to do when, alas, the damsel in distress (that’s you) discovers she’s wandered in to the morass.

See, we lezzies, like everyone, find it easy getting INTO relationships. What challenges us is choosing relationships with the potential to ‘blossom’, making a real commitment to another person, and honoring that commitment. These choices are incredibly important if is your goal to create a deeply satisfying, lasting relationship with another woman.

Because we often don’t, for better or worse, experience the common internal and external motivators our straight sisters experience, we have additional challenges sustaining our love relationships. After all, our straight sisters usually enjoy buku family support (everything from sending you anniversary cards every year, to paying for and sending you on a honeymoon to talking you out of leaving your husband), to financial incentives to stick it out like the fifty percent marital property law, your husband’s social security benefits and pension and expected ‘rites of passage’ straight women expect to share with spouse and family like an amazing wedding, bridal and baby showers, having children together, etc.

Close your eyes – remember the other day when I planted that big, luscious, lezzy KISS on you? You know, that wondrous spell I’ve concocted for you, that ‘keeping it simple’ spell? Use it!

For example, if you are a single gal, read carefully: Are you so hyped up about being IN a relationship, (because your life isn’t already full, adventuresome or interesting enough) that you are actually vulnerable to being plucked off like a wildebeast by the tiger or like a meercat by a snake on the kalahari!?!

Or, perhaps you are in a relationship that is firing on many cylinders, but you have allowed your intimate feelings about your partner to wane to the point you’ve caught yourself looking at other women as potential lovers? Have you respected your partner enough to share with her your concern that you aren’t as close as you used to be?

Among dictionary.com’s definitions of jungle, I would like to highlight the following…

a wild land overgrown with dense vegetation, often nearly impenetrable, sometimes swampy, thus hard to traverse (okay, so don’t let your mind go into the gutter here!)
any confused mass or agglomeration of objects; jumble
something that baffles or perplexes; maze
a scene of violence and struggle for survival
a place or situation of ruthless competition

If you really read and FEEL the above definitions, I think you’ll get my points that:

1) The experiences of love, dating and relationships all have the potential of sparking feelings like the definitions I’ve included above.

2) If you find yourself in the thicket, be ready to go into ’survival’ mode and get the heck out of there as fast as you can (and hopefully in one piece). This is NOT a place to ‘hang your hat’, although many women end up settling for the jungle existence. It can get addicting. Those who get stuck in the jungle run the risk of physical and/or mental burn out.

So, again, my KISS’es will come in handy. Much of what I will share with you about getting more of what you want (and less of what you don’t) when it comes to love involves knowing WHERE the dense thicket is and choosing to stay out of it! This is often easier said than done so you need your survival gear.

Ah, you say, Barb, aren’t you taking a bit of a ‘glass half empty’ attitude here? Where is my optimism? I am optimistic – for you – in a realistic way. Yes, it’s important to visualize success, because in doing so you are clear where you are headed.

But you will need the courage and savvy to ‘materialize’ your vision. Getting the love you desire, over time, requires gentleness and strength. And, a generous helping of humor mixed in.

Yes, it’s true – the good news is, with the right balance of using your head and your heart, and acting on that conviction, you will avoid the jungle most and/or all of the time!

Stay tuned for more simple, yet powerful secrets to surviving the lesbian love jungle.