Queercents Professional Directory

But these days, in which same-sex marriage and gay parenting are the hot-button issues of the day, our lives as couples are frequently acknowledged, documented and celebrated. Our lives as singles—well, not so much. - Kathy Anderson ‘Living Single and Lovin’ It’

We were talking about the subject of living single and lovin’ it this past week during our latest Lez Rendezvous Singles Mingle.  We chatted about thoughts such as, ‘what do we do if/when we feel like third wheels?’ and such.

We ended up having a great discussion on the subject of being even better than ‘just okay’ about being single.  Something I guess I ‘happily harp on’ with all of my singles clients.

No, it’s not often talked about in our society.  That is: being seen as single and normal, or, perhaps better said, being single AND proud.  You know, single lesbians are not to be pitied.

I loved Kathy Anderson’s quote, which came from her recent article over at Jane and Jane, “Living Single and Lovin’ It”.  The quote sums up the notion that, perhaps we focus too much on how great married couples are, to the point we really exclude and/or ‘put down’ or de-value singles.

Maybe we need to start holding some ‘Gay and Lesbian Singles Pride’ Festivals!

Singles are learning to have more fun these days.  Research is finding that, given our longer lifespans, most of us will join the ’singles club’ for significant periods of time during our adult lives.

Much of the time singles don’t really ‘choose’ to be single.  No matter what you do to try and preserve your non-single life, things happen.  Almost any of us, ‘but for the grace of god’ can wake up single tomorrow.

Anderson refers to many lesbian (and straight) women who aren’t sitting around waiting for a marriage proposal or Mz. Right.  They are having a good time now.

Many lesbians don’t even want to be labeled single or coupled.  And, according to Anderson, some women are living lives where they are both single and coupled.  Interesting is it not?

Younger women, especially, often feel the ‘pressure’ to ‘couple up’ or, get married.  I know I remember that time, in my 20’s, when my sisters were doing it, I wasn’t and, I was the oldest!

Somewhere, somehow, the idea that our lives didn’t have purpose without a mate became a popular one.  I also loved Anderson’s article because it challenges many of the assumptions and norms we, as women, chain or reign ourselves in with (or allow others to reign us in with), such as…

• we must be in a committed relationship to have a sex life
• single women don’t ‘have a life’
• single women are lonely
• only coupled women have a great sex life

Au contraire!  It appears many single lesbians are having great sex without commitment, they’re plenty happy and they feel freer to pursue other ‘commitments’ such as career, travel, activism, other family activities, etc., because they aren’t caught up in commitment to another person.

Now, perhaps you aren’t ‘the type’ to have unfettered, uncommited sex.  Or, you don’t plan to remain single consciously.  Or, you love having time now for your career, but you see for yourself in the near future a wife and family.

Either way,  the other benefit to enjoying your single-dom is the fact that, for most of us, being happily engaged in whatever it is we are doing is very attractive to others.  And especially to those others we may want to attract!

So, ‘embrace’ your single status and, instead of focusing on all you don’t have because you are single, explore what you do have, who you are and what you can have because you are single.  Discover the joys of this life stage.  Lifestyle or life phase, make it work for you.  The only other option is not really an option, so, get on with it!

Barb Elgin, MSW, LCSW, Certified Singles Coach, is Coach Sappho: America’s Favorite Lesbian Love Coach.  Be sure to stop by www.coachsappho.com, pick up your FREE gifts as well as to learn about our exciting new singles club for lesbians and our community for lesbian couples.

©2009, Barb Elgin.  All Rights Reserved

Disclaimer: The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.

I know it’s been a tough week for equality, fairness and for gay Californians especially.  The rest of the country is looking on, and doing all it can to be supportive.  That includes me, here in Florida.

I posted to a lesbian relationship blog I read quite often earlier today.  The blog’s creator lamented her frustration with the California decision and suggested perhaps we should stop wanting marriage and accept civil unions.

That’s a ‘mental space’ I’ve fallen into as well, at times.  That’s just what those who thrive on denying people civil rights want us to do.  That’s where I was back last year when I invited Evan Wolfson, from Freedom to Marry, to Coach Sappho’s podcast.  I was feeling defeated about gay marriage and, it’s chances of ever becoming the law of the entire U.S.

Read the rest of this entry »

During Part I of this two part post on finding Mz. Right online, I shared three important introductory tips on succeeding.  These included…

• being choosy
• being safe
• being generous, but starting small

Today, I want to share with you four more very powerful guidelines to keep in mind when surfing for love online.

4)  Be patient – While your Mz. Right may seem to be, literally, only a click away, the reality is that for most of us it take lots of clicking (along with other searching methods and dating skills) to find your forever chick.

So remember, many of those clicks will seem like ‘dead ends’.  Accept this as part of the process of having fun while dating and finding your forever love.  You never know who will lead you to who.  For example, I know many stories of people who go out on a date with one person they met online, it doesn’t click and then, later, they are introduced to a ‘date’ by the former date.

There are also lots of other ways to search for Mz. Right, such as telling everyone you know you are looking and more, so, stay tuned for future posts where I will reveal these ways of finding her!

5)  Be sure you know what/who you are looking for BEFORE you seriously seek romance online -  What is your ultimate goal in seeking romance online right now?  Are you seeking friends, casual/recreational/fun dates, sex, serious dating leading to a long term relationship or ???

You can’t be clear with others until you are clear with yourself what you envision for your future.  Word to the wise:  there is nothing wrong with not knowing what you want.  You’re not alone.

If this is you, do yourself and others a favor: hold off on serious dating until you are sure who and what you are looking for.  That doesn’t mean you can’t date.  But I recommend you be very clear with others you are exploring and that you aren’t ready to ‘get serious’ with anyone right now.

I call ‘non-serious’ dating ‘recreational’ dating or, dating for fun.  Many lesbian women have been raised to believe that ‘non-serious’ dating isn’t really dating or is a sign of immorality.  It’s true – remember back to high school and young adulthood when we heard there was a woman who ‘dated around’.  She was usually characterized as a floozie or ‘loose’.

Lesbians get into more trouble with love and relationships because they don’t know how to date!  Part of learning how to date is knowing that there are different types of dating, depending on where you are in the ‘Creating the Relationship of Your Dreams’ process.  So, learn what the different types of dating are and match your dating to fit where you are right now.

6)   Be ready for Mz. Right by being clearer who you are -  This step is actually a prerequisite to #5 above, however, because most of us tend to ‘put the cart before the horse’ I let you enjoy dessert first! 

Now the whole truth – if your deepest desire is to settle down with (not settle for) the woman of your dreams, before you are going to know WHO or WHAT you want you must begin by being ready for love.  A major aspect of being ready for love is getting clear who you are.

In fact – don’t waste any more time being unclear.  Remember too that if you aren’t sure what you want and you go and start meeting women online, you may miss out on women who are potential partners for you.

Important point to keep in mind: just because you are single that doesn’t mean you are ‘ready’ to find Mz. Right.  What you say?  Readiness has to do with steering clear of the ‘nettlesome’ elements of the lesbian love jungle and includes a handful of critical elements.  One of them is getting to know yourself better.

So, before you do anything else, stop right now and get a better sense your ‘readiness’ for love.  I have a wonderful quiz for you to take that will help you find out where you stand RIGHT NOW.  And, even better, it’s free.  This quiz will help you immediately know yourself better, I promise!  Cool stuff, I promise…

7)  Be confident and optimistic you WILL meet many potential Mz. Right’s as you go about living a great life as a single lesbian. I know being single and seeking a life partner (or even a date for Friday night) can be daunting.  If you are still getting over a relationship that has ended, it can be especially difficult being ‘available’ to date in the ways you will need to be to find Mz. Right.

Well, here’s the rub: those who aren’t desperately seeking a partner are the ones most likely to find her!  Yes.  Desperation or trying too hard tends to repel others rather than attract them.  Do you recognize desperation or ‘pushing’ in yourself?  If you aren’t sure, ask trusted friends to help you know.

What’s the popular song say – never let them see you sweat?  It’s true, you must exhibit an air of confidence, calmness and non-clingy-ness if you want to attract that gal you are eyeing across the cruise deck.

No matter what reality looks like now, you must envision (and be) confident that there are many potential Mz. Right’s out there – right now – just waiting to meet you.  Yes!  You must focus on that reality.

Think me crazy?  I know when I first was taught to reframe my thinking in this way it felt odd, maybe even ‘deceptive’?  However, as I’ve continued to coach clients and experience the single life myself, I would have to say there is much truth to this perspective, which some have called the ‘inner game’ of dating and mating.

Are you emotionally reasoning Mz. Right away?

I would like to direct you to a list of cognitive distortions developed by psychologist David Burns that I want you to get familiar with after reading this article.  Why do I like this list? Burn’s ‘cognitive distortions’ list has been around for a couple of decades and continues to inform because it contains 10 very common ways we humans put up roadblocks to our happiness (and 10 powerful solutions).

For example, Burns 7th cognitive distortion is called ‘emotional reasoning’.  Applied to dating, this distortion says just because you feel like you’ll never meet your Mz. Right, that doesn’t make it true in objective reality.

Even worse – when you let a distortion such as ‘emotional reasoning’ dominate your thoughts, you are more likely adopt a ‘give up’ attitude and avoid taking the actions you need to take to find Mz. Right.  You decide ‘why bother’?  Then you find yourself becoming a ’self-fulfilling’ prophecy, where you say ’see, I was right’ and you remain single, lonely and lamenting, ‘there is no one out there for me’.

Make self-fulfilling prophecies work FOR you

If you choose instead to say ‘Hey, she’s out there I know it’, and envision that until you believe it, you will get out there and do the actions you need to do, to make meeting Mz. Right happen.  Viola – this is called making ’self-fulfilling’ prophecies work for you rather than against you!

If you’re going to magnify or minimize in your thinking, do so in ways that work for you rather than against you

Another very common thinking distortion singles often engage in is catastrophizing, which can go in either direction: minimizing or magnifying, either some aspect of themselves, others, the dating process, relationships, etc., in ways that prevent self confidence or faith in a positive outcome.

Sound familiar?   The good news is that I think we can turn this one on it’s ear.  I think we can catastrophize in OPTIMISTIC ways that help us.  For example, if you are going to make mountains out of molehills at least do it the way optimists do!  Let me explain…

My favorite researcher and thinker on the subject of optimism is my buddy Martin Seligman.  While there is so much more to say about Seligman’s work on optimism than I have space for in this post, to sum it up for the purposes of this post, Seligman has shown through his research that those who take an ‘optimistic outlook’ towards life are healthier and happier.

What is an ‘optimistic outlook’?  When you think optimistically, you…

• Explain good events in terms of permanent causes: traits, abilities, always’s (whereas when you take a pessimistic view you explain good events in terms of transient causes: moods, effort, sometimes’s).  For example, when you are optimistic you say you are having a bad day instead of calling yourself an idiot.  Or, when a new ‘date’ doesn’t call you the next day, you say ’she must be busy’ instead of jumping to conclusions such as ‘I guess she didn’t like me’ or ‘I guess she didn’t have a good time last night with me’.
• Explain bad events as having specific causes, while you tell yourself when something good happens it will enhance everything you do (whereas the pessimist believes that bad events have universal causes and that good events are caused by specific factors).  For example, if you read this article and don’t find it helpful, if you are thinking pessimistically you will say ‘all relationship articles are stupid’ instead of saying ‘this relationship article is stupid’.  Or, if a woman likes you and asks you out for a second date you glow, saying to yourself ‘I’m charming’ instead of just saying ‘I’m charming to her’.  This helps protect you later if the relationship must end for some reason.
• Explain bad events as being caused by reasons beyond your control and when good events happen you believe you impacted that success.  According to Seligman, ‘People who believe thay cause good things tend to like themselves better than people who believe good things come from other people or circumstances.’

Seligman believes people can learn to be more optimistic, even if their tendency is to go pessimistic more easily right now.

What gurus throughout history say is key to living and loving greatly

To me, if we listen to all of the great spiritual and psychological leaders of our time (and throughout history), they all seem to agree on certain secrets to living and loving greatly:

• Act and envision ‘as if’ you have already manifested what you desire
• Be grateful for what you’re manifesting (even if you haven’t manifested that vision in reality…yet)
• Focus on living an attractive life now, as you are, as this seems to attract others (another way of saying it – you attract more bees with honey than vinegar)
• Believe – in yourself, in progress, in the power of positivity, creativity, humanity and, in life itself

Barb Elgin, MSW, LCSW, Certified Singles Coach, is Coach Sappho: America’s Favorite Lesbian Love Coach.  Be sure to stop by www.coachsappho.com, pick up your FREE gifts as well as to learn about our exciting new singles club for lesbians and our community for lesbian couples.

©2009, Barb Elgin.  All Rights Reserved

Disclaimer: The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.

One of my ’single but dating one woman exclusively’ community members wrote me upset today as she is discovering what gay marriage activists have been squawking about for awhile now.  Yes, it’s true, I wrote, gay couples lose out financially in multiple ways when they can’t marry.  Even if a gay or lesbian couple is married in the five states where it is now legal or, signs on for those so-called domestic partnership benefits some local governments are allowing, it’s a ‘crumb’ compared to the whole loaf of bread straight couples receive.

I followed up on my community member’s request by locating one of the original papers written summarizing this inequality – Tax Implications for Gay Couples – by Goldberg and Badgett at the UCLA William’s Institute.  Another great piece that describes how these inequities play themselves out in the lives of real flesh and blood gay and lesbian couples is described here in an interesting NPR piece entitled ‘With the Gay Tax Love Doesn’t Come Cheap’.

As the author of the NPR piece eloquently states,

“The media’s primary focus on the morality debate around same-sex marriage means that most of the public, gay or straight, knows little about the very real economic costs of inequality. It doesn’t matter that Joan and I married in Massachusetts five years ago this week, or that our home state recognizes our marriage. It makes no difference that she works for a progressive company with an active LGBT employees group. Companies pay for their employees’ health insurance with pretax money through a federal program, and same-sex marriage isn’t federally recognized.”

What I find interesting about all of this is that, as gay and lesbian individuals start to value themselves and their relationships more, hearing facts like the above ‘hits home’ in ways they never have before.  Ten years ago, I know I didn’t yet comprehend the real financial ‘benefits’ I was being denied as a tax-paying, but devoted partner in a long term, committed relationship.  In my heart, I was as married as most of my married straight peers.

Ten years ago most of us didn’t much consider what we were being denied.  Now, we understand the impacts much, much more, particularly as we get older, grow old together and face more and more of the financial vulnerabilities of living and loving as committed couples, parents, families, etc.

Get educated.  Get angry.  Take constructive action.  While ten percent of gay and lesbian Americans can now legally wed their same sexed partner, even they still find their marriages invalidated federally.  We need to overturn nasty laws like DOMA (Defense of Marriage Act) and give 100% of gay and lesbian couples in America federal marriage benefits – now!

Barb Elgin, MSW, LCSW, Certified Singles Coach, is Coach Sappho: America’s Favorite Lesbian Love Coach.  Be sure to stop by www.coachsappho.com, pick up your FREE gifts as well as to learn about our exciting new singles club for lesbians and our community for lesbian couples.

©2009, Barb Elgin.  All Rights Reserved

Disclaimer: The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.

Today’s post focuses on single lesbians and the topic of attracting romance online.  As I’m sure you are aware, the internet has literally opened up whole new worlds for lesbian women.

We’re seeing an explosion of new lesbian communities, organizations and groups spring up rapidly as women (many times right around the block from each other, but invisible to each other), discovering one another for the first time, oftentimes just by sitting home clicking away from an easy chair.

Many would even say ‘we’d never be where we are in the gay marriage movement right now if we didn’t have the internet’.  And you won’t get a disagreement from me on that one…

Whether you live in an area that lacks a thriving, visible, lesbian community, OR you live in a metropolitan area where you have the opposite problem of deciding WHICH community or communities to connect with, the internet can be very supportive to you, if you know how to use it wisely.

Wisdom is the key word when it comes to using the internet to meet Mz. Right.   Remember that whole new worlds are also often like the wild, wild west!  Or, the lesbian love jungle!  While the sky is the limit, you must remember to pack your survival gear girl scout, so you can land safely!

Below are some sizzlin’ words of sapphic wisdom to keep in mind as you attract YOUR Mz. Right online:

1)  Be choosy – Mom was right, happier lesbians choose to be choosy.  Don’t be seduced into thinking Mz. Right is just a click away!  While the internet makes it quicker and easier connecting with more single lesbians you are initially attracted to, physical and psychological chemistry is just the first step.

You will still need to be choosy in the way you go about selecting which women to meet, let alone date or seriously consider as a life partner.

Extra caveat: don’t be seduced by another person’s seeming interest in you, for example.  Are you interested too?  Be honest with yourself.  The feeling must be mutual.

Don’t know?  Time to get some support getting clearer who you are and what you want, in life and in love.

2)  Be safe – Closely related to #1 above, remember that, when you meet someone online who doesn’t know anyone else you know, you are wading into ‘uncharted territory’.

Due to concerns around safety and identify theft, of course you know you MUST practice safe surfing and self-disclosure as you go about making friends and finding love online.

For example, you must do whatever you can to protect your identity and important personal information until you are sure you are dealing with a sane, trustworthy person.  How do you do that?  Here are some ideas:

• Do not, under any circumstances, give out your home address or any detailed personal information such as your birth date, children’s names, place of work, social security number or other financial information.
• Never allow a date to pick you up at your house for your first meeting.
• As far as giving your last name, that is a ‘gray’ area too.  I would err on the conservative side by suggesting you don’t give out your last name until you’ve at least met the person face-to-face at least once, you felt okay about them at that meeting, and you have decided to meet them again.
• The best phone number to give out this early on is a cell phone number.  If you haven’t given out your last name yet, keep that in mind in creating your voice mail message.  If you don’t have a cell phone, but your land line number is unlisted, it is probably okay to give it out.  Nowadays, however, with search engines, it is becoming even harder to hide unlisted phone numbers.
• You could decide to only exchange email addresses until after a first meeting and you feel comfortable enough moving forward before you give her your cell number.
• Your first ‘in person’ contact should be in a neutral, public place and, preferably during the day.  Your conversation should be light and fun and the date should not last more than an hour or so.  Good ideas for meeting places: coffee shops, bookstores, delicatessens.  Get a soda or coffee together and just start getting to know one another.
• Of course always let at least one friend or family member know you are going on a date or meeting someone.  Make a plan to follow up with your friend shortly after your date.
• During your initial meeting(s) with a woman, be sure to sit face-to-face not side-by-side, to discourage physically-charged interaction.

3)  Be generous, but start small – Boundaries are important to establish from the beginning.  For example, a big no-no I see some lesbians engage in at this point is being too generous, too soon.  I call this the ‘let me impress you’ trap.

Examples of this include sending flowers before you meet, and spending gobs of money taking someone to an expensive restaurant or event on the first date.  Why do I advise against this sort of thing? Because it smacks of trying to impress.

If you set this sort of precedent, you could be setting up an expectation you can’t sustain.  It also sets you up for being hurt if you are expecting your date to reciprocate in ways she’s not ready for at this point.

Who pays on a lesbian date?  In the land of lesbian dating, you get to choose!  Start setting ‘precedent’ now, by bringing up the subject with your date before you meet.  Express your ideas and let her give hers.  Come to a decision.  Keep in mind cost when choosing where you will go.  Again, start small by planning a low cost outing.

If you expect equality, you may suggest going dutch.  Or, if you asked her out, perhaps you pay this time.  If you continue to date, perhaps you decide to alternate who pays.

What if you can afford much more than your date (or vice versa)? Well, again, it’s up to you what ‘precedent’ you set around the very powerful issue of money.  Do you want your date to get used to you paying all or most of the time?  Do you want to pay all or most of the time?

Stay tuned for my next post, when I reveal more tasty tidbits on finding Mz. Right online!

Barb Elgin, MSW, LCSW, Certified Singles Coach, is Coach Sappho: America’s Favorite Lesbian Love Coach.  Be sure to stop by www.coachsappho.com, pick up your FREE gifts as well as to learn about our exciting new singles club for lesbians and our community for lesbian couples.

©2009, Barb Elgin.  All Rights Reserved

Disclaimer: The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.