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I speak to so many women who are putting their love lives on hold.  Even women in long term relationships.  Are you putting your love life on hold?  Or, let me say it another way:

Could you be enjoying a more luscious lesbian love life?

Ohhh…la la!  I mean it.  If you are single and you can’t seem to ‘get it together’ to reach your dream of being ’settled in’ with a woman you can build an exciting future with, what are you waiting for?  I speak to too many single lesbians who complain of this fact.

Eternally single lesbians

I point out to the 30-something single lesbians I talk to that they may think they have ‘plenty of time’.  However, I then tell them that I talk to many 40 and 50-something single women who were amazed how fast time had gone.

There are one too many 40 or 50-something women who say they always ‘thought’ by now they’d be in the relationship of their dreams, but they are still single and they don’t understand why.  Or, they’ve had relationships but they were short-lived or unsatisfying.

Could it be many single women are working too hard and not playing enough? Could it be they have shame about celebrating their sexuality by having an amazing relationship with another woman?  Could it be they are telling themselves it just must not be ‘in the cards’ for them?

Most single lesbians are probably telling themselves some or all of these things and more.  Many express their inner insecurity by being cynical or by blaming the universe.  That’s what I observe…

Whatever has tripped you up, you can get over it.  I truly believe all of us are born ready to be loving (and be loved).  That’s a start.  Yes, it takes more than that, and you can learn those secrets too!  I promise…you may not always feel crazy about doing what you need to do to have a luscious lesbian love life, but you can learn what will work and do more of it.

If you are successful in your work, great.  Now take that success and use it to get some balance in your life.  Uncover the secrets to having a love life… 

Seriously…all of those lesbian event companies and activity organizations will love me when I say this: there are plenty of you single ladies out there that need to inject more socializing into your week.

Betcha didn’t know that it’s the ladies who go out at least two times a week who are most likely to be in a relationship in one year.  It’s true, according to one recent study of single women.

Long-Suffering Coupled Lesbians

In the old days they called her the ‘long suffering’ wife.  Is that you?  If you are in a relationship but you aren’t happy most of the time, and you are accepting that state of affairs, I would say you have put your love life ‘on hold’ too.

Only you can decide this and do something about it.  Yes, I know it can be scary to admit things aren’t so hot or copacetic these days.  But, don’t just assume your partner will take it personal.  Maybe she’s feeling the same way and afraid to talk about it like you are.

The bottom line for couples is that you are so fortunate to have what you have.  Perhaps part of your unhappiness stems from taking that fact for granted? No, you say, you do all you can to make things great and your partner won’t play along.

Well the good news is that just because it feels that way, that doesn’t make it so.  If you tend to blame your partner for the state of your relationship or your feelings about your relationship, you’ve gotten caught up in a rut.

Maybe it’s time to take a whole new path…the path of luscious lesbian living and loving.  Let’s start with your perspective.  The glasses through which you see reality.  Have they gotten a bit mud-clogged?

Perhaps it’s time to ‘clean off’ those glasses.  Did you know that in relationships where partners evaluate their partner and their relationship through rose-hued glasses, that is, where they tend to give their partner some ’slack’, the happier they are?  Makes sense doesn’t it?

When it comes to luscious lesbian loving, each partner takes responsibility for what she can control in any situation.  Not more, not less, but just what it is.  If my partner has a negative response to something I’ve said or done, even if I wouldn’t change what I did or said, I’d at least empathize with their feelings about it.  That in itself may be a simple start to something more yummy…try it…

No you can’t change your partner.  Nor should you try to as that will only irritate your partner.  But, you can change how you are responding to your partner.  You don’t have to just ‘react’ to her.

Reacting may seem more ‘honest’ to some, however, I would argue that successful couples seek their ‘best’ honesty in any situation, not whatever wants to spill out of one’s mouth.  Any old honesty is not necessarily the best policy…hehehe….

I know myself, I have to be careful not to be too ‘vocal’ when I am stressed or tired.  It is then I am most thoughtless.  How about you?

I’ll even go so far to say, why not give yourself that space?  How often do we forget to give ourselves such empathy?  Try it out and see if that wonderful lusciousness doesn’t spread to your relationships with others…

Give yourself a luscious moment, just for you, today, okay?  See you soon!

Barb Elgin, MSW, LCSW, Certified Singles Coach, is Coach Sappho: America’s Favorite Lesbian Love Coach and Matchmaker.  Looking for a fun, easy and inexpensive way to get more of what YOU want when it comes to love?  Be sure to join Barb as she launches Coach Sappho’s new book club ‘Let’s Talk About Love’, which begins 10/14/09.

© Copyright 2009, Barb Elgin.  All Rights Reserved.  Feel free to forward this article as long as attribution remains intact.

Disclaimer: The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.

I, and most lesbians, face the proverbial ‘catch 22′ when it comes to getting adequate, competent health care.  If we come ‘out’ to our providers we take the chance it may negatively affect the treatment we’re given and if we’re not ‘out’ to our providers it may negatively affect the treatment we receive.

However, after reading an excellent article by Bonnie Osborn in the September 2009 issue of Jane and Jane Magazine entitled, ‘Feeling the Pinch: Health care inequities result in financial penalties for lesbian couples’, I was reminded that health ‘care’ is only one problem lesbians face in our current health care system.

Did you know lesbian couples are also penalized economically by the way our current health care system is set up?  And that this penalizing is repeated and compounded?

For example, even though two of my sisters stay at home and don’t work, they have health care through their husband’s employers.  And, even though another sister works, her husband stays home and receives full ’spouse’ benefits (including health care, life insurance, etc.).  And, I’m not even talking about all the children they have – eight between the three of them – who are covered on these various health care plans as well. Read the rest of this entry »

Your presence is often the best present.
- Quote on a piece of Dove chocolate I ate today

Now that we are past Labor Day and, in fact, living the day of 9/9/09, I just have to ask you…

Will you take time today, with all the hustle ‘n bustle (hehehe – I know silly ol’ saying), to enjoy the present? Yes it sounds so trite, however, I am just reminding you that you always have a choice to slow down and savor whatever it is you are doing, anytime YOU choose today.

When you do, notice what you ‘love’ about that moment.  And, make note of it.  Are you enjoying as many ‘presents’ as you can?  Are you enjoying what you are doing and, choosing to do more of what you enjoy? Read the rest of this entry »

By Barb Elgin, MSW, LCSW

I was a shy child.  Yes, it’s true.  If you don’t believe me, ask my classmates and friends from childhood.  And, I’m still not (and will never be) a total extrovert.  But I’m also living proof one can overcome and/or manage the type of shyness and, frankly wimpy-ness, that holds us back from the bigger opportunities and joys of life.

Why was I a shy (and maybe wimpy) child? Perhaps some of it is inborn.  But I think most of my shyness developed out of occurrences such as feeling different from others (the whole gay thing), being a girl (socialized to ‘be nice’ and ‘not have my own mind’) as well as a lack of understanding and support from authority figures such as parents and teachers and, perhaps even bullying from others who may have been just as shy as me, but compensated in that way to overcome their shyness.

I was sitting in the hairdressers yesterday waiting to have my hair cut and I came across an article on shyness, in, of all magazines, Ladies Home Journal (okay, hold your jokes!).  So, between running across this article and, having my fair share of discussions with clients recently on this very topic, particularly as it relates to lesbian dating and relationships and career advancement I thought I’d post about shyness.

Read the rest of this entry »

I’m excited to share some great news:

I’ve been invited to panel an innovative teleconference
on work life balance for the National Gay and Lesbian
Chamber of Commerce (NGLCC) on August 25, 2009!

For those of you who know me well, you know I’ve been a passionate supporter of the NGLCC since it was founded about six or seven years ago.  In a few short years, NGLCC has already established itself as an organization that advocates for the interests of all GLBT’s, and particularly the cross section between politics and the marketplace.

The NGLCC is headquartered where it needs to be – at the foot of Capitol Hill in Washington, D.C.  I’ve been to several of their events and continue to spread the word as best as I can about them through my many face-to-face, online and virtual connections.

Read the rest of this entry »

But these days, in which same-sex marriage and gay parenting are the hot-button issues of the day, our lives as couples are frequently acknowledged, documented and celebrated. Our lives as singles—well, not so much. - Kathy Anderson ‘Living Single and Lovin’ It’

We were talking about the subject of living single and lovin’ it this past week during our latest Lez Rendezvous Singles Mingle.  We chatted about thoughts such as, ‘what do we do if/when we feel like third wheels?’ and such.

We ended up having a great discussion on the subject of being even better than ‘just okay’ about being single.  Something I guess I ‘happily harp on’ with all of my singles clients.

No, it’s not often talked about in our society.  That is: being seen as single and normal, or, perhaps better said, being single AND proud.  You know, single lesbians are not to be pitied.

I loved Kathy Anderson’s quote, which came from her recent article over at Jane and Jane, “Living Single and Lovin’ It”.  The quote sums up the notion that, perhaps we focus too much on how great married couples are, to the point we really exclude and/or ‘put down’ or de-value singles.

Maybe we need to start holding some ‘Gay and Lesbian Singles Pride’ Festivals!

Singles are learning to have more fun these days.  Research is finding that, given our longer lifespans, most of us will join the ’singles club’ for significant periods of time during our adult lives.

Much of the time singles don’t really ‘choose’ to be single.  No matter what you do to try and preserve your non-single life, things happen.  Almost any of us, ‘but for the grace of god’ can wake up single tomorrow.

Anderson refers to many lesbian (and straight) women who aren’t sitting around waiting for a marriage proposal or Mz. Right.  They are having a good time now.

Many lesbians don’t even want to be labeled single or coupled.  And, according to Anderson, some women are living lives where they are both single and coupled.  Interesting is it not?

Younger women, especially, often feel the ‘pressure’ to ‘couple up’ or, get married.  I know I remember that time, in my 20’s, when my sisters were doing it, I wasn’t and, I was the oldest!

Somewhere, somehow, the idea that our lives didn’t have purpose without a mate became a popular one.  I also loved Anderson’s article because it challenges many of the assumptions and norms we, as women, chain or reign ourselves in with (or allow others to reign us in with), such as…

• we must be in a committed relationship to have a sex life
• single women don’t ‘have a life’
• single women are lonely
• only coupled women have a great sex life

Au contraire!  It appears many single lesbians are having great sex without commitment, they’re plenty happy and they feel freer to pursue other ‘commitments’ such as career, travel, activism, other family activities, etc., because they aren’t caught up in commitment to another person.

Now, perhaps you aren’t ‘the type’ to have unfettered, uncommited sex.  Or, you don’t plan to remain single consciously.  Or, you love having time now for your career, but you see for yourself in the near future a wife and family.

Either way,  the other benefit to enjoying your single-dom is the fact that, for most of us, being happily engaged in whatever it is we are doing is very attractive to others.  And especially to those others we may want to attract!

So, ‘embrace’ your single status and, instead of focusing on all you don’t have because you are single, explore what you do have, who you are and what you can have because you are single.  Discover the joys of this life stage.  Lifestyle or life phase, make it work for you.  The only other option is not really an option, so, get on with it!

Barb Elgin, MSW, LCSW, Certified Singles Coach, is Coach Sappho: America’s Favorite Lesbian Love Coach.  Be sure to stop by www.coachsappho.com, pick up your FREE gifts as well as to learn about our exciting new singles club for lesbians and our community for lesbian couples.

©2009, Barb Elgin.  All Rights Reserved

Disclaimer: The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.